Horoscopes...

freaked me out sometimes... For the last couple of weeks I've read this horoscope, and its shocking how similar it has being to my actual life. It's not like I believe in those kinda stuff, heck, I really don't believe in fate because I like to think I am responsible for my own life and that I can actually make a difference... However.

Freaky... freaky.

Anyways... this last week? It was weird, lots of nice event and a handful of really nice stuff and just a couple of "bad" things. Not even "bad", just not as nice as the rest, and well... i have to remember that every moment in our life is neutral and we are the ones that decide to give it a positive or a negative value.

We got the new car already... a beautiful black Peugeot 206. Nice looking, nice driving and cheap (low gas consume). This mere fact has bring a whole new spectrum of comfort to my life, I feel that i "own" my time more since i don’t depend on my dad or mom to move around the city anymore, which is giving more sleep hours.

Things with Mariel are still weird, and something's telling me that will be weird for a while (and that something is my freaking heart that wont let go). Last Saturday I went out with her and it has really nice. We spent the whole day together and I had a blast. At some moment of the day i actually begin to think "hmmm... we might work as friends, she can be my hot geek friend that can go with me to conventions and stuff and she can introduce me to more hot geek girls and bla bla bla"... everything was finally starting to "feel good", but when I gave her a ride home in the night she asked me if she could give me a hug. I said yes.

She hugged me... for a long time and tightly. It was nice hug... but all that "ok" stuff in my mind began to melt again and be replaced for angst and love ache... after we hugged i noticed she was crying. She didn’t say why, she just said goodbye and closed the door.

Weird... weird... weird.

Nevertheless I still feel better than two week ago... yes... yes... i miss her and stuff, but I feel like am finally getting to be in "good terms" with this. So I dunno what’s going to happen in my life regarding Mariel... I am sure that she is confused... and it still hurts when i picture her with another guy... but i'll just let it be. She needs what she needs.

Friends???... pfffft... great!!! I'm beginning to take more risks regarding friends and stepping out of my comfort zone. To open myself to new people and exploring new kinda friendships. As for today I am going out with Melina and Isra... great friends and I'm really excited. It looks like a promising afternoon.

Hmmm.. what else? (i really have to start updating this more often).

Work? Still none... I guess it's not my moment yet. But I wont give up, I'll keep looking around.

Cam, Mel and Pauline... wow... in like 3 weeks they are gonna be here!!! I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT!!! ^-^

... And well my bro, I am happy for him because he is finally starting to like "the good music", hehehehe, i remember the times when he used to laugh at my music and now the bitch is loving it.

Anyways... I am off... ^-^

Keep the good vibes coming... they helped.

Put it to work....

Well... if i were to count things and how they are going. I'd say that 0.5 things out of three are working out OK. Of those 3 I'm sure 2 of them will work out for the best, and well... that's a pretty good score. Right?

The car... well, the new car is already in the house, but we still have to work some details. My dad has a really "good" imagination, but he usually put it to work in the wrong direction. He's always picturing the worst scenario, and well, to the tell you truth, it's not very reassuring when you just bought a car. So... am really hoping he is wrong and things will work out for the best. Neh. I am sure things will work out. They always do.

The job... pffffft.... I don't think it's going to happen. To much little uncertainties and stuff that are starting to feel "not right". Anyways, let's see what happens. I've decided to stop putting that much energy into that matter and start concentrating in other things. If the job thingy works out then GREAT!, if it doesn't I am sure i'll be able to get another job somewhere else.

(just to clear things out. One of the two opportunities in the beer factory didn't work, the job was already taken and they are offering me another one but it's not as good as the last one... and quite frankly I don't want to work 3o hours a week, give up freedom and probably do worse in school for I job i dont like. The second opportunity... well, I haven't been able to contact the guy)

And the third... Mariel. hmmmm... That's going better... I'm starting to feel better about the whole deal. Yes... yes... I know, am sorry to keep bringing this up. But it's just that I have good days and bad ones. I miss her a lot. I miss her vibes, her energy and her cuteness, but I'm starting to believe this is all for the best. So yeah... am moving.


... so there you go guys! I'll keep working to make that 0.5 a 2 or even a 3!!!!! ^-^


... sigh... I just remember. Mariel told me that she is gonna cold me this week to arrange a meeting on Saturday. I dont know how i feel about that anymore. If she doesnt call, well... that's it. I'll be sad and all but I'd finally will let her go (so am kinda wishing she doesn't call), but i know that if she doesn't... well... i'll be really REALLY sad.

Beat the week...

Well, last week can be easily classifies as the shittiest week in a long time for me. Lots of things happening, life moving way too fast and mostly in not... uhm... pretty ways.

First things first. Last Saturday Mariel and I broke up. Apparently she is going through some phase that have her all confused and she is "not able to commit herself to a relationship and needs to be alone". Dwelling in this issue a little more... well, yeah it hurt. I can't say I didn't see it coming. Things were weird for the last month or so, but I still had the hope that things will get better.

Right Now? Well... right now I still have feelings for her, and I know that if she manage to put her shit together soon and ask me to get back together I most likely will say yes, but I also know myself and I know that love weakens with time in this situations, and if she takes too long... well, I doubt that I'll say yes.

... but that's just wishful thinking, right? She may naver want to get back together.

Yesterday I had short, yet nice chat with her... and I helped me a lot to "let go", to say things I needed to say and to "get the feeling" of what's really going on. Right now I feel like I can trust what I felt yesterday... and I feel much better now.

*sigh* I miss her... and I miss the way things used to be when they were O.K.


This whole "Mariel" affair probably surrounded me with "bad vibes" and made me see life a little shittier. I was supposed to buy a car last Tuesday. A really good opportunity (price wise and car wise), but the car was taken Monday afternoon... so... pfffft... no car for me.

The good news? Well... we found a new car. A really good opportunity too, and we actually closed the deal on that one. So I HAVE A NEW CAR NOW!!! ^-^

Also I am encountering some problems with finding a job, my school schedule is kinda getting in the way, and last Friday when I tried to fix it they acted really “bureaucratic” and nasty... sigh... I haven’t really work my way around this thing, but I am sure things will turn out for the best.

... what else? Well... i got a really bad flu last Friday, but am better now.

and... well... the weekend was awesome! A great concert and company on Saturday and nice chat with friends on Sunday ^-^


So I'd like to think I won... last week is gone and things will only get better.

Send good vibes!

My divided self...

You see, what happens right now is weird... weird like in "I've never felt like this before". That kinda strange feeling of stepping in the unknown, leaving all that is safe and sane behind, and entering the wicked world of love, confusion and romance. That's how weird I feel... get it?

I am grown up man now... or at least that what I'd like to believe. I have faced hardship, I have seen friends and love ones die, I have been broken hearted, I have done a lot of stuff in the last 5 years that I feel like I am closer to be a man than a kid.... However, knowing this is only making things harder for me, because sometimes I realize that I am not allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and to commit all kinda stupid and pathetic things.

... sigh. How did Mariel managed to make me love her that much?

One part of me wants to move on... he knows that this is probably for the best.
The other part though... juts wants to be with Mariel.

And to make things worst i ran into her today... she was beautifull.

Damn.

I don't understand...

1. Quantics Physics.
2. Women.
3. Men.
4. People that use "hotmail" ins
5. Myself..

... sigh.

I don't understand myself.

Quizas...

Sueño con una posibilidad

un fantasma quizás

Sobrevuelo esta realidad,

evado

… un loco enamorado

Caminando por un mundo

Que pierde lo cotidiano

Se vuelve extraño, pálido, pesado

Si no caminas a mi lado

Fantasmas que susurran tu nombre

Y tu recuerdo a cada paso

La voz de mi corazón, queda

persistente…

no descansa hasta ser escuchada

no permite olvidar

Y todo por una posibilidad

Un sueño y un futuro desquiciado

Donde camino a tu lado

QUIZAS

Quisiera encontrar una manera

Para compartir esta locura

Que al cerrar lo ojos sientas mis latidos

fueron, son y serán tuyos

Derribar todas esas barreras

y llegar lejos

para compartir este sueño

para plantear una duda

QUIZAS

I hate social events...

... and how people tend to turn every single chance they've got into a social event with a political agenda.

The director or my university died last month. He was a friend of my dad and, for what my dad have told me, a good man. However, since he died, people have constantly being making all sort of events to honor him, but they look more like social events than nothing. People get together just to talk and make sure their best interested are safe.

It's just... digusting. A lot of people go there, without even knowing the guy, just to be seen there.

Hipocrites.

There is always a song...

... for every occasion, and it is actually really amazing how life is sometimes perfectly tuned to our feelings, and synchronized to those moments in our life. One of my greatest pleasures in life is to walk around with a strong feeling in my chest, an idea in my mind, and suddenly my Discman start playing the perfect song for the moment. I feel like in the middle of a movie with a well thought soundtrack.

Or maybe our feelings accommodate the music we listen to. Hmmm. Makes me wonder about the kind of music we listen to.

First day of classes... *sigh*

So good to see all my friends, to get all those hugs and smile that much. They were good times.

The Good: finally in my last year, and i might get a job.
The Bad: my last YEAR!!! OH MY GOD!!!... and if i get the job i wont have as much free time now. But I really want to take part of that project. They sent my resume today, so please send good vibes so that the BEST happens for me. Whatever it is.
The ... : Melina is getting a great opportunity, good for her, not so good for me... hehehe, i wont be able to see her that much this semester.
The Ugly: my brother is going back to Edmonton. Ill be the only child... sigh.
The Great: I'm moving to my brother's bedroom... finally ill get the big bed.

Life is catching up...

Sleepy head...

For the first time in something like 7 months I've had to wake up early this last couple of days... and let me tell you guys, I think I am not quite ready to this life. I discovered that not only I am not a morning person, but also when sleepy, my top and only priority is to sleep. For a few minutes in those painful mornings all i can think of is sleep. I picture myself sleeping at school, in the car, getting back to bed, going to bed as soon as I get home... my whole life is, for some instants in my head, an ode to sleep.

This is actually frightening because I am looking forward to find a job next semester... what will add up around 30 hours of work per week to the time I have to spent as a full time student who is taking 7 classes (the normal course load is only 6), but I really want to get that job so I can get some first hand experience in the field i want to specialize in and also to get some extra money.

Another big problem of getting a job is that I will be saying "good bye" to the posibility of traveling this summer (the project that am interested in is suppose to last a whole year) and also having a job will complicate matters when Mel and Cam come to Mexico...

... such a dilema

My brother had a point though. I need to start planning ahead now, I have only one more year of school, and I need to plan my life in advance.

pfffffffffft.... i hate growing up.

I think too much...

Well... the big lesson that i learnt this week is that I THINK WAY TOO FAST.

Things with Mariel have being way too complicated for my head and my heart. I was angry with her, then we kinda broke up, and then i missed her a lot and the we got back together and then I am feeling helpless... Its weird how being in a relationship can make you sometime feel so lonely, like inmerse in a love, but by yourself.

Thats the way I am feeling right now. I feel like I love Mariel a lot, and she doesnt loves me back. I am not saying that she hates me or anything... but for the love of God, she is 18, and now i realize that she might be in a point in fer life when she needs to ber ALONE.

... or not.

Or I maybe over reacting again and thinkiny way too much and too fast. Damn it!

I've came to believe that my problem is, basically, the uncertainty. The fact that I really don't know whats going on, what does she really feels and what the heck is the status of our relationship. When I finally told her that I love her and miss her he acted great, she told me she was sorry and bla bla bla... hugs and all the rest. Happy Good times.

But as soon as we part... pffft! Again the feeling that she doesnt care about me comes again... she didnt answer back my "happy new year message", but hey!, relax... probably she didnt get it.

... ARGH!

Its so complicated and freaking weird that its funny. Most of the people i know have had "love issues" in this change of year. WEIRD.

Anyways... This 2006 promises to be interesting. Let's see what surprises are in store and how life will feel like now that my brother is gonna live in Canada.

Happy New Year!

... i guess ¬_¬