... This is h a r d c o r e ...

Well, am pretty pissed rigth now, confused, and angry. So this post may not have a perfect grammar nor a good spelling, so for those who seem to just care about that stuff, you may as well stop reading now (you know who you are... so stop... now)

For those who decided to cope with me, thank you. Second request. This may not be a pretty post. Infact I (might/will) insult a couple of my usual readers, so if I do so... please don't hate me. Final request. Help me.

Suddenly I feel old and tired. Maybe a little bit more of the second one than the first. I'd like to feel more the first though. I feel tired of how thing are working out for me these past few days. Better yet. Tired of how things haven't work out for me these past few days. I'd love to write about all the good times that I've had recently, but I just can't, and not because of the lack of good times but 'coz of the aggressively, almost comical, amount of bad times.

There is no point in giving you a long, tiresome list about my bad times. And I won’t do it because it is long, but ‘coz is not of you damn business. Please, don’t misunderstand me. It is juts that… well… I don’t want people pitying me, or even worst using my blog as a source of material for “carrilla”. That is not what this is intended for. This is not a reality show… this is my life and I am in a very shitty spot right now.

I feel bitter and jealous, and frankly I don’t know what is worst. And this bitterness doesn’t come as an immediate consequence of the jealousy. I feel bitter ‘coz am not happy right now, and I feel like I am doing nothing to be happy. I feel bitter ‘coz I know am too young to be worrying about life right now, but I do and that is not letting me enjoy life now (and please save your corny “don’t look forward, enjoy the moment” advices). I feel jealous ‘coz I feel life is unjust, but in the end I know that life simply is, and my perception about that it is what’s shitty not the it… (do you follow me?) Me knowing that makes me feel even worse… it is my fault after all.

I AM TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SHIT!!! Heck, my brother is 25!!! He is the one that should be worrying about life!!! I am a 20 years old student, whose only worries should be what to drink, what to eat, which records/games to buy on how to get laid. BUT HELL NO!!! It is as if there is a law (a natural law) that determines that if someone in the family faces adulthood, then everybody should!!!

And please bro, believe me, this is not against you. I love you and you know it.

To all those smart asses that kept reading this post after my three requests and still plan to use this as 1) jerking off material, 2) jokes material, 3) whatnot… please save it. I don’t want to know.

Now, after this middle “fuck off wankers” warning, I think that I can continue with my rambling.

Justice is a word… a concept. Like blue and yellow. We hear about it, we know that it exist somewhere and somewhen, but we can never really have it. Life and justice just doesn’t get along. And when my parents have being treating like shit ‘coz they are angry about something Kike said… well, that is not good. Really, there is nothing that terrifies me most that, one day, I might make another human being feel this way. I think I will put my balls in the microwave or something.

“Todos coludos o todos rabones” is a Salomonic kinda saying… and it’s one of those phrases that have haunt me everywhere (school, friends, home) and also the most moronic, untrue phrase in the world. I you were to look for that “phrase” in my dictionary (yes that’s right remaining smart asses, my fucking “phrase” dictionary, do you have a problem with that?!)… my dictionary will slap you in the face as a warning to forget that phrase and never pass it to future generations.

I feel bitter, childish and stupid.

But somehow… I feel better by writing all this stuff, these stuff?

It’s funny to think that this all started ‘coz I wasn’t able to play some RPG with my friends ‘coz my parents didn’t find it appropriate for me to spent time with my ex when I have Mariel… and somehow, I feel that Mariel feels the same. Ergo, she is uncomfortable with me spending time with Ireri if she (Mariel) is not around. I don’t blame her… I’d probably react the same way. I want to be with my friends. I don’t want to make Mariel uncomfortable, but somehow these two things suddenly seem like water and oil.

The saddest part is that there is none to blame. This is how things are. No heart feelings mother life! (bitch!). Mariel has the right to feel uncomfortable, Ireri has the right to hang out with her friends, I have the right to want to hang out with my friends and be with Mariel… he he… funny isn’t it (not!).

What to do? what to do? I can’t just ignore Mariel’s feelings ’coz I love her. And the fact that Mariel loves me back doesn’t commit her to “give me space” and let me hang with my ex. If you love someone you have the right to feel jealous and territorial… and believe me when I say:

Please don’t say “if she loves you then she will let you be, if she loves and trusts and___________ (insert corny clichés) she will let you play RPG with your ex” Well… as far I know, none of the people around me have had a good, healthy, long-term relationship… so we should have learnt by now that these advices doesn’t really work. Someone took them from a sixteenth century book and fuck the world up with them. Love has no rules. HA!

AND THIS NOT ABOUT A FUCKING RPG GAME!!!! This about me wanting to see Oliver… this is about me feeling 10 years older that I am and this is about me, me, me and me! ME as the victim, ME as the source of the problem, ME as the judge, ME as the responsible and ME as… well, me.

“I want to fly away… leave all this to yesterday” WELL FUCK YOU NICHOLE KIDMAN!!! We can’t fly away… we can either bitch about life or jus live it… I, as the loser, bitter, old man that I am… have chosen to bitch. Maybe later I’ll fix things up. Maybe tomorrow I will find a very obvious and simple answer for all of this… but you want me to live in the present, eh? Well… I am, presently, on the verge of neurotic breakdown and on the verge of tears… YES I FUCKING USED THE SAME WORD TWICE IN THE SAME SENTECE!!!! Sue me you damn Hemmingway.

Now some people may believe that I am a stupid asshole, mandilon and whatnot… and they are probably right, but that is not the point.

My brother did provided me with a very good advice, but sadly I feel that it might don’t work, ‘coz my friends aren’t good at keeping secrets and it wont work that way. In the end, little by little everything leaks… there are no secrets between us… which are good, but sometimes those secrets buy us time that we need.

I am not bitching about my friends… but lets face it guys… eventually everything surfaces.

I need to find my true self… but I am, really, (as in making emphasis in the really) afraid that he would be as bitter and sad as I feel now.

My head hurts and this is going nowhere… so good by and thank you… listening?

PD: by the way… long post, beware. Blah!