Cynicism, irony and frustration... my life?

These past few days I’ve being surrounded and haunted by cynical thoughts, irony and frustration. I dunno how to begin, it’s difficult to put it into words, those things that generate a feeling or thought… but I’ll try.

I’ve realized that I’ve grown more cynical. Monday I had a really good time with Pancho, those one-on-one afternoon in which you have the opportunity to enjoy the bestest of friends and catch up with his life and updating him with yours. We came under the conclusion that we are, slowly but unavoidable, becoming more cynical. We are loosing that part of us, maybe I can call it “innocence”, that make us feel bad about things, nostalgic, or even care. I realize that it is part of the whole “growing up” process, but I still feel bad about it. Things begin to slip past us, we are beating hardship without being affected and we are beginning to see things more clearly, as they are… plain, without any romanticism or dramatic reactions. We know who we are, we know what we want, we know who our friends are, we know things change and we know that at the end, we will do whatever it takes to achieve our goal… no matter what. I still don’t know if this can be called “cynical behavior”, but it is surely something that comes holding hands with growing up and whacks you in the head when you least expect it. “I AM HERE!!! “ it yells when you realize that something that could disturb you or even hurt you just passes you by… friends gone, years gone, dreams shattered, plans brutally changed, innocence lost, and yet you think “well, shit happens… I only have one life, and I can always find a dream, a friend and plans around the corner… so fuck it, and lets move on”.

Irony… well, irony is like a cruel clown that enjoys saying “I told you so” and “ha! I bet you didn’t see that coming!” Irony, for me, these last few days have come undone in the shape of a book called “High Fidelity”, and with this book I’ve come to realize all this ironic and moronic details about life, about love… irony is usually funny and enjoyable, but when that nasty clown dances and the same time that “cynicism” is slapping you… well, it’s just annoying ¬_¬ Irony for me is paradox… and paradox, real paradox… are annoying. I really won’t get into details about irony… hehehehe… and the reason is irony itself… this blog have become so known by my friends and family that I no longer feel comfortable spitting my thoughts out… so, this so called “relief medium” is no longer secure… hehehe...

Frustration comes along with envy… or al least it has for me. Lately envy and frustration harass me ‘coz all I can hear lately is Kike or my brother talking about Canada, about going abroad… while my changes, so far, to go abroad are close to zero. Frustration comes when my brother receives a brand new leather chair for his room and I received a Monet Calendar and some cash (I love Monet, but still, my brother always gets the cooler and the newer… I get the left over). Frustration comes when my mother told me that my only opportunity to go abroad is working as a “tutor”, while my bother got a full year in Chicago. Frustration comes when my parents bought my brother a lap-tap in high school and a new PC when he graduated and I got to share a PC with my mom and Kike. Frustration comes when my brother got yet another piece of cool furniture for his room when all I got for my is a bed-base three years ago and the rest are left overs of my last home.

I know… I know… this is not my bro's fault, and I don’t blame it on him… I really don’t… I blame my parents subconscious, and how they, without realizing it, go that kind of stuff. Frustration comes when my dad told me that he is thinking on maybe giving my brother around 40,000 pesos so he could buy a car (they’ll be basically paying him the down payment and will have to keep paying comfortable monthly payments which he can afford). While my parents tell me that they can’t possible afford my exchange semester.

Am feeling bitter… so don’t mind me.

Fuck this... am off.