Cynicism, irony and frustration... my life?

These past few days I’ve being surrounded and haunted by cynical thoughts, irony and frustration. I dunno how to begin, it’s difficult to put it into words, those things that generate a feeling or thought… but I’ll try.

I’ve realized that I’ve grown more cynical. Monday I had a really good time with Pancho, those one-on-one afternoon in which you have the opportunity to enjoy the bestest of friends and catch up with his life and updating him with yours. We came under the conclusion that we are, slowly but unavoidable, becoming more cynical. We are loosing that part of us, maybe I can call it “innocence”, that make us feel bad about things, nostalgic, or even care. I realize that it is part of the whole “growing up” process, but I still feel bad about it. Things begin to slip past us, we are beating hardship without being affected and we are beginning to see things more clearly, as they are… plain, without any romanticism or dramatic reactions. We know who we are, we know what we want, we know who our friends are, we know things change and we know that at the end, we will do whatever it takes to achieve our goal… no matter what. I still don’t know if this can be called “cynical behavior”, but it is surely something that comes holding hands with growing up and whacks you in the head when you least expect it. “I AM HERE!!! “ it yells when you realize that something that could disturb you or even hurt you just passes you by… friends gone, years gone, dreams shattered, plans brutally changed, innocence lost, and yet you think “well, shit happens… I only have one life, and I can always find a dream, a friend and plans around the corner… so fuck it, and lets move on”.

Irony… well, irony is like a cruel clown that enjoys saying “I told you so” and “ha! I bet you didn’t see that coming!” Irony, for me, these last few days have come undone in the shape of a book called “High Fidelity”, and with this book I’ve come to realize all this ironic and moronic details about life, about love… irony is usually funny and enjoyable, but when that nasty clown dances and the same time that “cynicism” is slapping you… well, it’s just annoying ¬_¬ Irony for me is paradox… and paradox, real paradox… are annoying. I really won’t get into details about irony… hehehehe… and the reason is irony itself… this blog have become so known by my friends and family that I no longer feel comfortable spitting my thoughts out… so, this so called “relief medium” is no longer secure… hehehe...

Frustration comes along with envy… or al least it has for me. Lately envy and frustration harass me ‘coz all I can hear lately is Kike or my brother talking about Canada, about going abroad… while my changes, so far, to go abroad are close to zero. Frustration comes when my brother receives a brand new leather chair for his room and I received a Monet Calendar and some cash (I love Monet, but still, my brother always gets the cooler and the newer… I get the left over). Frustration comes when my mother told me that my only opportunity to go abroad is working as a “tutor”, while my bother got a full year in Chicago. Frustration comes when my parents bought my brother a lap-tap in high school and a new PC when he graduated and I got to share a PC with my mom and Kike. Frustration comes when my brother got yet another piece of cool furniture for his room when all I got for my is a bed-base three years ago and the rest are left overs of my last home.

I know… I know… this is not my bro's fault, and I don’t blame it on him… I really don’t… I blame my parents subconscious, and how they, without realizing it, go that kind of stuff. Frustration comes when my dad told me that he is thinking on maybe giving my brother around 40,000 pesos so he could buy a car (they’ll be basically paying him the down payment and will have to keep paying comfortable monthly payments which he can afford). While my parents tell me that they can’t possible afford my exchange semester.

Am feeling bitter… so don’t mind me.

Fuck this... am off.

*yawn*... life and good times

Well, as much as I tempted to write a long post talking about my vacations so far, well, I won’t go for it... there is so much to tell that am going to try and give you guys the short version.

After the concert, I had a cool week, a relaxing week in which I was able to enjoy our brand new PS2 and waste as much time as I wanted to. I did try to spent as much time with Mariel as I was able, not only because I love being with her but also 'coz I was going in a family trip to Puerto Vallarta and we were supposed to get back the 25th, but making things even worse Mariel was also going to Puerto Vallarta but she was leaving Guadalajara the 25th... so you get the point? For more than two weeks we wouldn't be able to see each other.

That last week was very interesting in more than one way... I was able to get to know David (Pancho's... ehem... friend) and spent one of the most enjoyable evenings in his room ever.... but wait, I getting too far ahead.

In that last week, as I told you before, I tried to be with Mariel as much I could... and the last Thursday we were supposed to go out to see a movie or something, but something kinda came in the middle: my cat had a really nasty injury and I had to take him to the vet. He got his tail bitten, but in such a nasty way that one of the holes you could actually see his bone, it was an awful experience to see you cat like that, the vet had to pt him on drugs and shave his tail in order to clean his wound and prevent and infection. Just ask my brother... cats are strong, very. Anyway, due to the drugs I was supposed to take care of my cat because they had very weak kidneys, so I called Mariel to rearrange our date.

Friday I went out with Mariel to eat something... I took her to Chili's and it was quite an enjoyable time, every time I go out with her I learn something new about her and women's mind... unluckily most of this "learning experiences" are contradictory and confusing. After we finish eating I gave Pancho a called so I could meet David and spent some time with them before my trip to Puerto Vallarta.

So, now back to Pancho’s room. Anyone that has being in that room long enough knows that it holds and strange yet peaceful vibe that makes you feel relaxed and comfortable. He has a great collection of music, so he can get you in the mood of anything (he is a great DJ). So we just sat there, listen to a very wide selection of music (from Diamanda Galas to Mogwai), talk and enjoy ourselves. Mariel and I got the chance of seeing David’s drawings… wow O.o, no words, he is just great. After that Mariel and I just sat on the lower part of Pancho’s bed (I don’t know how you call it in English, but it is a “litera”) and give ourselves to music and kissing.

By the way… THANKS MISHKA!!!! All of your good advices are finally paying off and things with Mariel are moving smoothly, slowly and tastefully to the right direction (second base is on!!! ^-^). Last night I had one of those “self-realization” chats with Kike (my other bother), in that conversation, while talking to him, I began to discover all the things that I love about Mariel, those little details that make being with her so great. Wow, sometimes I feel like I won the lottery with her, is so refreshing, so new and so much better.

Back to the timeline n_n Pancho’s room was great, but sooner or later it had to end. So I took Mariel back to her house, and we said good bye.

Next morning we had “Alfa’s graduation” and after that we went to eat with his family, good times, but way too long time… in fact, after the fourth hour the good times slowly began to suffer and metamorphosis into bad times. But finally around 7 pm I the evening was over and I was able to go and see Mariel so we could have a proper “good bye” and we did. “Good byes” always sadden me, and make me feel uneasy, I don’t like them, but it has to be done. I headed back to my house and pack my stuff. Tomorrow we were to go to Puerto Vallarta.

The basics about our trip to Vallarta is in my bro’s blog, so I wont bother in writing them down. My week passed very similar to his. I read different books tough; I finally finish reading the fifth and sixth Harry Potter’s books and I wasn’t so trilled about the All-inclusive, but my family was excited about it, so who cares?

The week passed slowly but restful and finally we came back Saturday with the surprise that Kike was already here and that Mariel was leaving GDL until Sunday, so I grasp that opportunity to spent more time with her.

Good times ^_^

Magic unleashed... (part two)

Sunday morning my dad woke me up really early so we could pick up the gameboy (that my always trustworthy brother forgot) at the CITE and then arrive at 7:00 am at Mariel’s home so we could get going (along side with her parents… am not that lucky) to the Nightwish concert in the capital.

I was really nervous about the fact that I was spending the whole weekend with Mariel’s folks… but at least I had the certainty that I was spending the night in a different hotel room than they and it would make things easier for me… boy was I wrong!

We drove to the capital… well, her dad drove us all, and the travel wasn’t that bad. I spent a nice time playing gameboy with Mariel (four swords rules!!! It is awesome to throw your partner around!), and listening to some music. After a five hours of chip-chatting and feeling sick for playing gameboy (I tend feel sick when I read or play while in the road) we arrived around 2:30 at the hotel.

There, my father in law told me that I was to spent the night in the same room with them ‘coz he dislike throwing money away like that, “there is enough room for all of us” he said… I had enough money to pay for my own room, but saving $140 U.S is always a good idea… so I agreed to spent the night with them. I slept in the couch… with a door and a couple of parents in law away from Mariel =(

Then we went to a mall to eat and walk around before Mariel’s parents drop us off at the concert… I tried to pay for the meal, again… they wouldn’t left me. Finally around 5:00 pm Mariel and I were outside of the “Circo Volador” waiting for the concert to start.

Around 6:30 the gates were opened, and around 8:10 finally the band started playing. It was great!!! watching a band such as this live is great!!!! It played a good couple of hours and around 10 , with a tear in their eyes they said "Adios Mexico... Thank you all"

The concert was over, and Mariel and I spent a couple of minuts hanging around the t-shirts shops buying souvenirs (that's how you speel it?)... I bought her a couple of t-shirts, she was very happy!!! And I am very pleased to be able to share that moment with her.

Back at the hotel I had a really REALLY good chat with Mariel... we were both wearing our pijamans, she was laying in my bed and I was sitting next to her... wow!... it feels great to have a chat like that... very intimate. Around 12 pm she went to the other room with her parents and got to bed.

The next morning I woke up and the first thing I saw was Mariel... she was standing in front of me, watching me sleep... ^-^ It is also great to se someone that you love when you first wake up... LOTS of goods times this weekend.

We all get dressed, get some breakfast, fooled around the shooping mall and headed back home.

GOOD TIMES ñ_ñ

Magic unleashed... (part one)

I've always been one of those fellows that believe that happiness is not a permanent state, happiness is a moment... and every happy moment is different from the others... maybe that's what makes them so special. Well, this weekend was full of those good times.

First, the long waited "pellets shootout"… a great night. We spent a couple of ours playing with the air guns and shootings some pellets. Pretending to be a super spy or a member of a swat team is very fun… everybody should do it, as a matter of fact the should be like a pellet day or something with the sole purpose of shooting pellets among humans and some furry animals, a day dedicated to the way of the pellet.

That night I also discovered that Blanco is one of the most pain-enduring men I’ve ever known… or maybe Erick, my brother and I are just a bunch of sissies. My brother shoot a pellet like from a distance of a couple of meters to Blanco’s cheek (his actual cheek not his bottom’s) and short after (while we were heading back to our house) my brother/Erick shoot a pellet to his eye and Blanco took them like a man and didn’t make and scandal … that was the hint that made us call it a night… NOT!!! hehehehe, as soon as we arrived home we started shooting to ourselves from very short distances.

Next morning we just spent the day chatting, seeing some anime and again shooting to ourselves… trying to find more painful ways to receive a pellet. After a while I drive Erick home, my brother went out to one of his friend graduation and my parents went to a dinner. I stayed home, excited about Sunday and packing my bags….

The naked truth...

Well guys, thank you all for your concern, your support and all the good advices. This is how the story goes:

When I arrived to pick her up at her cousin's house she was looking quite good (I hate when that happens ‘coz it makes the whole discussion thingy a little harder for me... I bet she did it on purpose). She asked me that what I wanted to talk to her about, and as soon as we arrived to some place nice and quite I told her everything... how yesterday wasn’t a good day for me and all that. She later explained me that her cousin didn’t told me the whole truth... that she did go out but not only with a friend, but with a whole gang (the friends of her best girl friend). And she told me that she was sorry for everything, that she didn’t hung up on me, that probably her cellphone isn’t working well, etc...

Later that night, while we were heading back to her place she asked me out of the blue:

Mariel: “listen Victor, if you’d like a girl that has a boyfriend, what would you do”
Victor: “errr... I don’t like where this is going”

Then she told me the WHOLE truth... a guy did pick her up (only him) and took her with the rest of the gang... this dude apparently is after her... he gave her a rose and all. I told her she HAS to put a stop to all of this... she knows about my previuos experience, and I told her that I wasn’t going to just sit back and play it cool this time. She told me that she was afraid that once she talk to this guys, he wont be his friend any...

... I told her that if that was the case, then he was never his friend... she agreed.

I didn’t like the fact that she waited that long to tell me the whole truth... but I liked the way she reacted, very understanding and all, and apparently she is willing to do the right thing.

Now... I hope things end up good... or else I think I’ll have to open a can of “chinga tu madre”.

What do you thing??? What should I do next??? Girls... some advice about the women psique would be nice...

Thank you all...

She is with a friend...

Ok ok ok… I am in the verge of freaking out and I need your help to cool off….

First some background... my last girlfriend left me for a “friend” of hers... she was hanging out with him for a couple of weeks before she left me. I knew about it, but I tried to stay calmed and put jelousy a side. Well, the whole “understandind, caring boyfriend” shit didn’t worked for me. Women are strange creatures.

Yesteday I called Mariel to her house and her mother told she was sleeping over with her cousin Claudia. I tried to give her a call to her cellphone but there was no answer so I called her to her cousin’s house ( I really wanted to call her. I have just had a fight with my brother and I needed to talk to someone). Claudia answered the phone and told me that Mariel have gone out, that if I wanted I could give her a call to her cellphone, so I told her that her cellphone apparently wasn’t working... she freaked out... she told me that Mariel have promised her that she was going to have her cellphone on all the time, that Mariel was out with a friend... this guy called her before, and Mariel asked Claudia if she could go out with him... this dude picked her up and all. I told Claudia that there must be a perfectly good explenation for all this... that she should be afraid and then asked her to said Mariel that I called.

Later I tried to call Mariel... it was one of those times in which the phone rang a couple of times and then “tutututututu” like if the other person has just hang up. The second time I called it just rang once and then “tutututututu”.

I send her a message which she reply until midnight saying “Hi, did you called?”

I am scared... i am furious for feeling like this... i don’t know what to feel or to do.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry for the damn spelling...)

Happy times...

Well, lately I haven't being posting as much as I used to... I guess that I am in a "de-blogging" season or something, but I just don't feel like writting, I will surely write some more afterwards, but I don't know if you guys just feel like doing nothing at all.. well, that is how I am feeling rigth now... exams are now over, so I want to relax and waste as much time as I can.

Just for you to know... I am feeling quite happy... lots of good things are happening for me right now. I am not doing as bad as I thought I would in my grades, thing with Mariel are just unbelievable and great (second base is on!!!!... hehehe, my bro and blanco still make fun of me though, apparenltly the belive that second base, after three months is not enough... those horny bastards...), blanco's birthday was a blast ^-^ and PS2 is a blessing form heavens.

Good times are ahead... take care