~ Sueños y Susurros ~ victor padilla

Long Weekend

2007-11-20T08:58:00.000-08:00

Finally!!!

After two years of working I got my first long weekend off!!! Nice ^-^

You see, the problem with working in logistics is that everyday there is “something” to do, and when the rest of the company is resting we have to work because we are sort of the end of the chain so there is always product to ship or to receive.

But not this time… no.

You could image that in the face of the wonders of a long weekend I would travel to unseen places and live fantastic adventures, but instead of adding any excitement to my life I just decided to rest… =)

Ahhhhhh… good, refreshing, re-energizing rest. I needed it.

Now I miss it...

A flight in Hell

2007-11-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

Airplanes… the only real advantage of those expensive bastards is that they are fast. That's the only reason I have for flying in that uncomfortable, suffocating, noisy and sometimes stinky transportation.

Usually i tend to suffer in an airplane because the rows of the seats are so close together that my knees are constantly touching the seat in front of me leaving no room for movement; however I recently master the technique of falling asleep as soon as the flight begins and waking up with the usually quite turbulent landing. In fact I think that the safety instructions delivered by the flight attendants have the sole purpose of boredom, and thus facilitating the passenger to sleep during the fight and save money in drinks and food.

But am drifting from my story…

This week I had a particularly shitty flight. In the seat behind were sitting a mom with her two little children… a.k.a spawn of the devil. I decided to change to the row of seats next to me to avoid, what had already begun, the constant kicking of my seat by those brats.

So I moved… and they followed me!!! For no reason… they just changed rows to keep disturbing my sleep. Then, to my miserable luck, the movie of choice for the flight was… HAIR fucking SPRAY!!!

Argh… I was forced to see multiple images of this fat, ugly girl dancing and parading around her fat arms.

After a while, when my eyes were getting used to that horrid image, and my back was now convinced that the kicking was a relaxation device of the seat… my nose started suffering too… a baby had crapped in his pants!!!

And… wait… the worse is yet to come… the mother, too fat an lazy to move decided to change him right there… in the SEAT!!!!... she didn’t go to the bathroom as a normal civil person would.. noooooooooooooo…

So I had to deal with the kids kicking, the fact chick dancing and a couple of rows away the stench of baby poo.

Sniff sniff… three hours of misery.

I hate airplanes… you have nowhere to run, and they have strong policies against murder.

Sigh.

Weird O.o

2007-11-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

Nothing really weird happened... in fact something really normal was happening but I got these really weird thoughts... hmmm I guess I was just bored.

I just got my diploma for attending a three days training session about how to "communicate effectively" and stuff like that. I really enjoyed the whole thing and it actually made this work week a little better. The group was formed just by young guys and girls from hersheys (I was the youngest still, but everyone was just like 2 or 3 years older than me)... buuuuuuuut, the instructor was from canada (which I must say was pretty weird by itself because Canadians do tend to freak me out a little), and what really got me thinking was that the guy spoke English throughout the entire training.

I mean... languages are funny. There this bunch of complete different sounds, words, punctuations and whatnot and still they make sense.

And why does that happen? Well... because we humans think in "concepts" and "images" not in words and sounds... probably if someone says "a dog barking", we will immediately imagine a dog barking, we might not necessarily hear in our mind the actual barking, but am sure most of all will just see a dog barking.

But then... theeeeeeen, the real question hit me, How do blind people think? O.o

In sounds? in textures? in feelings?

Creeping Changes

2007-11-05T12:14:00.000-08:00

It's funny how life slowly changes… small details that one by one modify that "whole" that we are used to call life, that image of our own life, a reflexion of what we consider to be real, to be normal, and strangely enough of who we consider ourselves to be.

Bear with me… I'll just rant for a while.

Just like the streets on a city and the urban landscape, it slowly changes. The other day as I was driving I start thinking in how much the city has changed in the last 4 years, i mean.. In only 4 years we have all this new constructions that have affected somehow our everyday life, but then I start thinking about how much my life and I have changed. 4 years ago, when I was a youngster of 19 years old I was experiencing one of the most intense days of my life. I had recently broke up with Ireri, and my new relationship with Mariel was just starting, and else there was The Fest. Those were the best days of the Fest, the fellowship was together and we usually got together at least once a week. I didn't had any beard and my hair was short… O.o

A few changes in my life happened and after a couple of years, when I was 21 years old, I was the Victor that, as weird as this may sound, I consider myself to be. I was that layback, shaggy, smiling self. Even today when I have to draw a version of me I always include those elements in that "avatar": beard, shaggy puffy hair, and a smile.

Life continued to happen and I broke up with Mariel, start dating this wonderful girl Melina and got a job. Life, it seemed, was getting a little bit more serious. I had a girlfriend that apparently (just apparently =P) wasn't thaaaaaaat crazy, i liked my job and start earning my own money, which allowed me to be more independent.

And those little changes kept happening. Friends went away, my hair got short again, I stopped writing… and so on.

Now… I just dont understand what happened, or which choices did I take to be in this place in my life, and feel like this.

Right now… for the first time in many years and probably in my life… i dont feel happy.

I know that I have everything that someone needs to be happy… but I just don't feel like smiling as much as I used to do. Going out? Pfffft… even less.

Or maybe this IS life… i really dont want it to be IT. I refuse to believe that things will be like this.

So, how? Why? When?

Long time no see O.o

2007-06-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Lats friday I got the chance to see some of my junior high classmates and friends in a "party". It was strange, at some point of the night awkward but it did have good times.

I saw lots of familiar faces: mike (havent see him in like 7 years), carla (7 years), Paola (3 years), Juan Manuel (3 years), Héctor (5 years), Angel (3 years), etc... and Sarah. We met her in the party, the party was for her and she was really cool. Blanco I were surprised that she had seen Rejected (by Don Hertzfeldt).

Anyways... we talk, catched up, drank some wine, ate hamburguers and smoke shisha...

Good times... I really hope I can see them agian soon (not in years).

**** UPDATE

You know what really surprised me? That everybody remembered these little details about me and the time we spent together. Pablo Pieck remembered that one play in junior high that apparently was a tremendous hit and he were asked to present it in front of the whole school. Hector remembered that one time we spent a whole afternoon walking from tortilla shop to tortilla shop asking how many tortillas were in a kilo. Mike said that I was as stubborn as ever (!?)…

… damn… I can’t seem to remember much about these people, just a few of them were really my FRIENDS (and I do remember a lot of things about them).

… did I just blocked all the memories?

The big guys...

2007-06-10T01:35:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I went on a short trip to México city to have a meeting... yes O.o... it's my first time that I fly just to have a meeting and then come back. And it seems that I'll be doing the same next week to Monterrey.

My fellow travelers were none others but my boss and his boss. So I was spent the whole day with them. It was nice talking to them, hearing their advices and getting to know a little something about themselves. Wow... I gotta tell you, those guys have way too much to share, and it's really enlightening to talk to them. I learnt a few things that help me understand better how things work in a company and in life.

However, the coolest part was when we were getting down from the airplane in Mexico city, and I help Jorge (my boss) to carry some of his stuff. When Cesar (Jorge's boss... the BIG boss) saw me he asked why I was carrying that and I reply, as a joke, that I was carrying it to make myself useful in that trip. "Useful?" he asked, "you are here because this is your project, you'll be leading this".

... wow... my project ^-^

A night out

2007-06-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in front of the computer at work. Counting the minutes until it was time to punch the clock...until I realized there wasn't really a point of being there, pretending to work if I just wanted to get the heck out of there and be free. I mean time doesn't work, I am the one that works. Right? So if am just wasting time, neither me nor time is being useful so I might as well but some usefulness into time...

... errr... i swear it made more sense when I first thought about it.

Aaaaanyway. I went home early to do what I always do when I have free time: read and play video games, and this time I actually tried to do something different and slept a couple of hours. I am not sure if you can call that sleeping, it was more like dreaming-ish like while sweating profoundly, so it was not as pleasant as a nap its supposed to be. After a while I got up, took a quick shower and went to pick Melina up.

So done that Blanco called to see if we were gonna do something, and after a few calls a quick stop in the gas station and scratching my genitals a couple of times (not that it has anything to do with the story, but I was rather uncomfortable and after a few scratches i felt jollier) the night was planned: we were gonna go to this place called Absinthe where we were supposed to get free entrance and a open bar.

We did get free entrance but the open bar was only for girls, and since myself was not counted among one of them I hadn't any free drinks. The place was crowed, the music was loud and it was impossible to do anything else but dance and pretend that you understood what people was saying.

* sigh * I really dont know why people like to go to clubs. The obnoxious long line to enter the place, the elitist bastards at the entrance and the inability to speak inside... what's the point? But despite that, everybody was obviously having a bad time (because those sort of things you can tell) NO ONE WANTED TO LEAVE. Pfffft... humans.

Sometimes I think genocides are well fundamented.

It was a good night... sort of.

A hint from myself...

2007-05-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

I was reading the e-mails that I used to write while I was in Canada, and its amazing how life always finds a good moment to help you out, and its even better when that exact and perfect piece of advise that you needed came from yourself.

A piece of paper with something written on it, a random blog post, or a e-mail that you wrote a long time ago. This is what I read a few moments ago:

“…la Vida tenía una mejor lección que enseñarme con ellos, en ese momento y en ese lugar.Por el momento no tiene caso cambiar de camino, es decir, ¿por quécambiar de camino si no sabemos a dónde ir? Hay que seguir con la vida. Seguir enfrentando a los malditos jueves y seguir caminando.Buscando.”

… yeah… totally agree, why do we fight so hard to make things better, to find a path in life, when we don’t really know what we want and where we wanna go?

Step one: figure things out.

Am back!!!

2007-05-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

So, I'm finally back home after all this time. After a month of constant travelling to Mexico, and one week in Cuba.

Cuba... sigh.

I wanna go back, but this time with more time, less girls and more good times. I did had a great time, i can't say i didn't. It's just that its so different when dudettes are around, constantly trying to get the attention, and just... arck... being there. Conversations are different when they are around, and dunno.. the whole experience is different.

We visited Havana, Viñales, Pinar del Rio, Varadero y Santa Clara. Each place unique and with a different thing to remember and comment.

Havana- its like traveling back in time 50 years, a place when time, technology and architecture almost froze over. It's magical how a lot of times I felt I wasn't dressed properly for the occasion, that I needed older clothing and a beret. Its hard to put the whole thing into words. But I did have a good time, and I can proudly say that we broken probably all rules of common sense that were told to us:
1. Do not follow stranger thru unknown streets.

2. Do not buy money on the streets.

3. Do not use unofficial taxis.

4. Eat only in official restaurants.

5. Stay away from black market cigars.

6. Keep your passport in a safe box, and never walk out side with it.

We did it all… ^-^

Piñar del rio and Viñeles: a one day paid tour thur beautiful landscapes, a underground river and eating food in a nice restaurant by a gigantic painting (literally enormous mural on a mountain)

Varadero: probably the most beautiful beach I’ve ever seen, and I think its catalogued as the BEST. We spent a lot of not-so-sober-times there. I never thought I could drink rum again. I did and I kinda liked it.

Santa Clara: an 8 hours road trip to the small town where the Che was buried. A great experience and I must add, that the best way to get to know a place is just to drive and know the not-tourist places.

… Cuba, maybe someday the fellowship can do that trip. I am sure that would be sooo great and cool beyond anything that we have done.

BitchTravel

2007-05-10T18:29:00.000-07:00

So, when people see you and ask: "why are you traveling" you have usually three answers:

A) Pleasure
B) Study
C) Business

All the other answers are just scrambled versions of these three ones, but as people continue to ask me that question I realize that I need a fourth option, an option that is not even close to those mentioned above. Let’s quickly analyze them, shall we?

Pleasure: usually means vacations, cheating on your spouse, shopping or just a darker motive that is too hard to explain and you wont waste your time doing so: "like am traveling to scatter the ashes of my death grand father whose last wish was to be poured over a hundred naked breasts in Mardi Grass"

Study: ... errrr... duh.

Business: when one is traveling making money and closing deals he can answer that, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, how do you call people like me that travels to work for someone else, probably making millions for a company and seeing NOTHING of that which is gained. This is why I believe we need a new option:

Bitch Travel: and underdog that travels, works, gets bored, sleeps only a few hours and gets: traveling expenses!!!

Hehehehehe... is it too noticeable that am sick of being in México?

Good thing that I am going to CUBA next week =)

Send the good vibes.

The wheel...

2007-05-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

tarIn days like yesterday I realize that most of the people are mischievous bastards that spent most of their time either lying, looking ways to screw people up or both of them, and they do this mostly because they are seeking personal gain, money, luxury or any other kind of comfort, disregarding others feeling or even the existence of their soul. Their souls, that, for the time being is must be pretty much half way into the rotting abyss of hell or rotting from the inside out.

Why am I so bitter all of the sudden?

Well… yesterday I had a chat with Luis Fernando, and he told me once he got an e-mail by mistake with all the salaries of all the people in the logistics department. I realize how unfair life is, how farfetched are some salaries and how deep and wide the inequality stretches in Mexico. Man, some people make in one day what a worker makes in the entire month!!!

I just learned that you cant trust anybody in a work related environment.

Sigh… I wanna be my own boss.

Lets dance...

2007-04-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

So, tonight is Liviers birthday. One of Melina "bestest" friends, and she decided to celebrate it in the Bebotero an dance O.o I tried to explain them, to warn them about the upcoming failure for her wishes... that place is no t a place to dance, its a place to listen to rock music. Maybe move a little in your place... heck! it gets so crowded so sometimes is hard to breath! But, as always they insist so hard that we end up going. It's funny, their b-day are really importand days for them, and they always try sooo hard to have a good time and force everybody to smile and be happy that it gets weird.

... But I was with Melina, so it was O.k ^-^

Or at least I thought so. My tummy was not thaaaaaaaat happy with me. After we ate some dinner (and by some I really mean some, because I couldt finish the frigging dish... a warning from my body perhaps?), my stomach began to make weird noises and the urge to poop emerged from my bowels. Uh-ohh.

“This might be a problem” I thought… but as usually I paid little attention to that little voice inside my head and decided to go anyways because I wanted to spent some time with Melina (man… my conscious is seriously gonna leave soon).

We arrived to the Place just it time to relieve myself in the bathroom… waiting in the line was one of the most painful things I did today… phew… Inside we spent some time just sitting and chatting until the dancing began. We really tried to dance… or at least I did, but the music just wasn’t meant for that, and as if the DJ was trying to stop us from polluting the vibes with our dance moves, he kept playing soft rock most of the time. But we danced…

Funny how you can dance almost to everything. I love being Mexican. I am sure that’s one of our treats: “dancing +20”.

After a couple of hours my tummy was not feeling good at all, the bathroom wasn’t in any condition to be used and I was having a really hard time to keep all the… hmmm.. “gasses” inside my body, so I decided it was time for me to leave the party.

… I felt bad for Melina, she got sad because I was leaving, but I prefer a sad girlfriend than a crapped pair of jeans in a crowded bar.

Hmmm… if I ever write a book with quotes of my creation that would be one: “I prefer a sad girlfriend than a crapped pair of jeans in a crowded bar”

I couldn’t be truer.

Blergh...

2007-04-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

For quite some time I've been wanting to drink Absinthe, and I have to admit my expectations were really high by this point. "The forbidden drink" i used to think... it should taste soooo good and the effects will be just great.

To tell you the truth i didnt like it... in fact I hated it. It tasted awful, it was too hard on my stomach and... blergh... disggusting.

But well oh well... at least i tried it and now I know that its not that cool and that I dont like it.

The good news... my brother was here for the weekend and we actually did hang out a lot (not like the last time). Good times with our friends and our parents.

A tiresome weekend, but it was worth it.

The awesome news: apparently my brother is coming back to Mexico to live in a few months :D

yay!!

Ehem… just one more thing… ABSINTHE SUCKS!!!

... really?

2007-04-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

I keep hearing all these people talking about the secret... saying "Now I know the secret"... while they keep their emo attitudes, their same life style and most important the same inner conversation.

It saddens me... really. I've known all these theories for quite some time, first in Mexworks, then in What the Bleep. In fact now that I think about it even in anime series like Evangelion they talked about this stuff. This "secret" has been out there for a long time, but all people needed is that someone put all that into a pretty film with cool FX and a cool soundtrack.

But still... guys... the secret is not talking positive, is not writing cool stuff in your msn or blogs, is not even thinking positive... For me the secret is living positive.

Its hard, and its more easily written than actually doing. But I think am getting there.

I just wish my mom could do something about it... heck! At least watching the movie, but hearing her all the time going on and on about she feeling bad, being sick, or her upcoming death.

... No son should hear her mother talking like that.

Anyways… just gibberish…

Take care ^-^

a walk in the city

2007-04-11T08:10:00.001-07:00

So after we got back from our roadtrip to Michoacan, I still had three days off from work that I asked for so that I could have some time to recover and rest. Rest?

By the second day I was so bored that I decided to finally do it, something that I've been wanting to do for quite some time: walk.

But not only walk... i walked from my house (Las Cañadas) to Blanco's Job (in La Estancia, near Galerias). Probably it was around 20 km and it took me like 4 hours. I was walking alone, with my discman, a bottle of water and my pondering.

I loved it.

What a day... what I day.

roadtrip

2007-04-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

We traveled four days thru Michoacan... Melina, Blanco, Ari and I.

It was a nice trip... a lot of things happened that can't be really summarized in a post. Good things, and not so good things. You get to know people better when you travel with them... Blanco I already knew so I learnt one thing and one thing only: women are weird. But we already know that.
+ Vista Hermosa - we drank water there
+ Zamora - we slept there in Maria Luisa's home, we ate tortas de la mancha, and we spent the evening drinking and talking.
+ Ixtlan de los Hervores - we saw the geyser... i think it was the first time Ari ever saw one.
+ Camecuaro - we spent a couple of hours there, enjoying the lake and taking pics.
+ Quiroga - we spent a lot of time looking for a parking place, walk around and ate some carnitas.
+ Morelia - We slept two nights there in Tomas' home (huge place and a great host), walked a lot and take lots of pictures... downtown is really beautifil
+ Patzcuaro - spent most of the day there, walking, traveling by boat and getting pissed off by my nagging companions. A good day though.
+ Janitzio - Climbed the stairs and enjoy the view with a nice beer ^-^
+ Tzintzuntzan - discoverd that Ari is not only a bad person but cheap too. A good place and good pictures in the "pyramids" ruins
+ Zirahuen - a awesome dinner... we had a lot of food for 40 pesos. ñam ñam... a pretty lake, it was a shame that we arrived too late to enjoy it.
+ Uruapan - We basically just drove by and saw the AGUACATES trees... hehehe sounds much better in spanish
+ San Juan Nuevo - kinda ugly, we stop there for directions
+ San Juan Viejo (the ruins) - a fun drive (30 km in a shitty road that took us lot of time). But the ruins we GREAT... man I love jumping around in ruins and volcanic rocks.
+ Paracho - Just stopped there for a few minutes.. again... Ari is a bad person.

... and lots of little towns that we only saw while driving. We slept in Zamora and Morelia.

I dunno... i could go on and on... but all I can say is that Michoacan is really beautiful and their people really kind.

Cheers people.. if I ever learn how to post pics here I will.

Why do all good things have to come to an end?

2007-03-31T08:11:00.000-07:00

because if they didn't... we would never appreciate them. The best things of life are either fragile or transitory: a kiss, a heart beat, a dream, sex, a rainbow, a hug, a snowflake, sunshine… yet, that what’s life is made off…. Fragile things

Men are from Mars...

2007-03-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

... Women started all.

Now, I was driking at 2 am with your friend in the street, talking about the most commented topic among men when they are drinking: women.

The question is: men are assholes because women are bitches, or is it the other way around? Who started all these stories of broken hearts? who was the first gender to declare war?

... i think we might never know.

In mexico city...

2007-03-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

So there I was, wrapping up a days work and getting ready to be bored for the rest of the afternoon. Probably watching a movie at the hotel and playing gameboy, but as all stories begin, this ones began with a slight change of plans.

Luis Fernando, told me is I wanted to go out to walk around a really cool place in the city and do some window shopping. That his girlfriend was in town and they wanted to see each other, but he basically needed me as a backup plan. At first I was really resilient about going... dunno... it didnt seem like a lot of fun, but then again, sulking at the hotel wasn’t gonna be fun either.

I went to the hotel room, brush my teeth and met with Luis at the lobby. It was a really nice night actually.

We walked like for two hours in this place called Polanco in Mexico City. One of the nicest parts of the city if I may say. Nice shops, nice cars, nice restaurants. In fact those kinda places in Mexico city are the ones that make me think that city is not a complete wasteland.

Still... the women were awful. I am sooooooo glad of living in GDL. You can ran into a beautiful woman anywhere. At the bus stop, in a taco's place, just walking in a mall... however, in one of the nicest parts of Mexico city I couldnt find a decent... just decent... looking girl.

Poor guys there... i dunno how people ever have children there. They must be desperate.

... ehem... so getting back to the story. Around 10 pm this really cool guy (a cousin of Luis) pick us up and took us to his home. Were a bunch of girls were having a “bachelorette” (?!) party for Luis' girl.

Yup... it is as it sounds... i ended up in one of the nicest parts in Mexico (Lomas), in some sort of mansion, surrounded by old ladies and some girls... O.o

It was fun though... and Luis was really happy that I backed him up.

... and I WENT INSIDE A MINI COOPER!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me wants one... ^-^

Fuzzy thing...

2007-03-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

Future is.

Life wont just stop. I mean, I thought that as soon as I graduated my life was gonna enter in a stable phase, and for a year or so nothing really interesting was gonna happen.

I am soooooooo glad that apparently I was wrong. Seriously, i know most of the time people do not like when they are wrong, but this one time am so happy for this mistake I will dance for it.

So, what's new:

1. Blanco and I want to open a bar, and we are looking for a place. It's actually really hard to find a decent place to open a bar, but am sure we will find THE place. I cant say am not a little bit scared of this "bar thingy", but as all good things in life, you have to risk something.

... wish me luck on that (you imaginary readers)

2. I got a call for a job interview (I already have a job). But the FREAKY part of this is that today, in a radio station, I heard my horoscope, and basically it said that today was a good day to change jobs and I was probably going to get an proposal.

... pfffft.. lets see what it will be about, and whatever happens, lets hope its for the best.

Now all I need is a pony... i like stories better when there is a pony in them. Almost al respectable books and great classics have some sort of pony.

Attempt number 2...

2007-03-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

So today i tried to cook that nice curry rice that we used to have all the time in Edmonton. I dunno if its because whenever i think of that rice I feel happy because of the memories that it brings back, or maybe it's just soooo good, but I really wanted to eat once more.

I cooked it.

The result was a chewy tasteless paste or rice... what when wrong?

Only God knows... hehehe.. i just want my bro to come back and teach me to do it properly.

sigh...

Twenty years...

2007-03-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

My second Placebo concert, and the third time they have been to Guadalajara.

I loved the concert, the music was great and I had a magnificent time with my friends, but I gotta to admit that the first concert Placebo had in Guadalajara was much better... why?

My theory is that that first concert was really cheap (like 270 pesos) and everybody could afford it, now it was a bit more expensive and the people who could afford were not "true" fans. During the concert there wasn't any time that the whole crowd was screaming "PLACEBO PLACEBO" at the unison, nor a time when everybody was jumping and singing.

Anyways... i loved it, and I jumped and sand and I shouted "PLACEBO PLACEBO" until my throat hurt.

... I had a wonderful time.

The Secret...

2007-03-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

Life is good... especially when you spent your days hanging out with friends, just talking and walking around.

Today I watch a good movie, The Secret, with Blanco and Joey (well... joey slept thru most of it, he missed a big part of the secret). It's a good documentary and it can really change your scope in life. Just like that movie "What the %&#(@ do we know?" They kinda dwell in the same topic, in the power of intention and how we ultimately affect our own life with our decisions and our thoughts. We are masters of our destiny, for ill or good, and that's is scary actually.

This way of seeing things puts the responsibility right in our hands, and personally i like it and I find it refreshing... i have never believed in destiny and theses theories just support my way of thinking.

Anyways.. my point is... that those theories are actually right, or at least they have been in my case. When i came back from Canada I wanted to look for a job, so that when I graduated i already had a job/working experience to facilitate my transition.

I got a job and everything is goind good.. I been working for a year know, and in less than I year I have gotten two promotions and basically I am looking at the perspective of a third one. If everything goes well, in a couple of month I could be facing the opportunity of getting my old boss’ job.

Can you imagine it???? In a year or so, I not only got promoted, but I will be getting my old boss’ job.

Wow… that’s good. My next step?

I want to work for a bit more, a year or so and then get a masters in a foreign country.

… am sure I’ll get there.

Polaroid...

2006-12-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

It's one of those days, in which every thought that passes thru my mind feels poetic... special and yet it vanishes as fast at it came.

Maybe it's because this is my first really free weekend in almost a year (am a full fletched graduated engineer) , or maybe it because am reading a book written by Milan Kundera, and right now, the book its starting to touch some sensitive nerves... to make me think and realize that, well... life is like a Polaroid snapshot.

Life is constructed by this little moments… most of the insignificant moments that never actually make a difference. A few of those moments escalate into a story, into a part of our lives that is worth remembering.

But what is more important is that… every moment, everyone of those snapshots is full of possibilities, it’s a story waiting to be lived.

We make our choices and decide which moment will endure and which will die as it came… just as these thoughts of mine today.

… I started to organize my inbox.. some of the mails were 2 years old or more…and as I did that… this “Polaroid” thought hitted me.

All those mails… where those snapshots… and I remembered and it made me feel nostalgic for all those stories that I will never be able to tell, because they never happen. Because of all the possibilities that I left in the past…

… for all those maybes, and perhaps.

Now forgotten…

... what to do?

2006-11-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

... feel the same

and empty

feel the tears running down my cheeks... it's being so long since I cried this kinda tears

last time I cried because of love... in the name of forgiviness

... now i cry out of shame... surrounded by shame and this weird feeling.

... what to do?

.. what to feel?

... where to go?

... what's the point?

of getting back there and face it all.

Again
again
and again

until this life drains me out... finally.

'till it gets what it wants...

this smile of mine... that its hard to keep sometimes... but i smile in the sake of happinness... mine and the rest.

is that character? wishful thinking?

... can a smile change things?

... maybe not

FUCK IT ALL...

... i dont feel like smiling anymore

CHale...

2006-11-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

... escribo esto en español porque tiene muchisisisimo más sabor así.

Hoy hice algo divertido y liberador... hoy evité que alguien se metiera en la cola para pagar en un Oxxo.

Estaba yo con mi novia esperando a pagar lo nuestro, una wey y su morra muy disimuladamente se metieron justo cuando se fue el cliente que estaba antes que yo. El tipo de Oxxo les comenzó a cobrar a ellos... yo me les quedé viendo, pensando: "dejalo ir Victor.. no es taaaaaaaaaan grave", pero algo en mí no me lo permitió y las palabras "Chale.. que mala onda, se metieron en la cola" salieron de mi boca.

Dije esto, para mi sorpresa, con mi voz de locutor, lo más grave que pude... el wey y la chava se me quedaron viendo O.o.. con cara de "no manches... qué... digo... mande?..." Yo creo que no se esperaban que ALGUIEN en l universo fuera decirles nada.

La chava tuvo el descaro de decir.. "nuestras cosas estaban ahí" (dejaron unas botellas mientas compraban algo más) y yo respóndí "ahí estan bien" mientras seguí con mi voz de locutor y mi mirada fija en el wey..

el wey quito la mirada.. no dijo nada y se hizo pendejo viendo hacia otro lado.

JA!

Total... me cobraron a mi primero y ellos tuvieron que esperar su turno.

Se que no es gran cosa, pero igual y si todo mundo hiciera eso, viviríamos en un país con menos impunidad y más respeto.

... no se dejen.

Ninjas...

2006-10-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

It's decided... when i grow up i will implement a new quality theory that will change the entire world and how people percieve quality.

I will hire deadly ninjas in all my factories. Just think about the advantages!!!

+ They will use their deadly katanas to kill any employee that makes a mistake, this, after a while will produce that no one will make a mistake... or else O.o
+With the accute senses, they will be able to detec any mistake on time, and... after killing the responsible, will fix it.
+They will be a awesome publicitary stunt... just imagine "Done in Mexico, Done by Nijas". I already want to buy a thousand, and I dont even know what is it.
+With they mighty ninja powers, they will eliminate the competition... purging the streets from the infidels.

I dunno... its only an idea... and like many other ideas, they have flaws at the very beginning... but i alreadt have an action plan in case the ninjas wont work.

Hire samurais...

Like Jesus...

2006-10-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

... will this blog be resurrected? I hope so.

I have so much to share, things at work that are unshareable... confidential stuff.... bla bla bla

Life... stress.... work... school.... love... friends... sigh

It will be brought back to life. I can feel it working again... this urge in me to write and express myself somehow.

Bring it on!

I recieved a mail from my bro... about life. Do I want this? This job, this life style? Recognition, building up my curriculum? Responsability?

What for... to one day.. have enough money to retire and then be able to read and walk around? Hmmmm.. i will be somehow getting back to where I was last year.

So probably, the key is to find a way to keep doing it all of your life?

winning the lottery? perhaps... hehehe

... love

2006-09-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

"Things need not have happened to be true.
Tales and dreams are the shadow truths that will endure
when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot."

Love is a complicated thing.. so hard to avoid it, to complex to fully understand how to work around it, love is probably one of the few things in this world that can be the best thing that can ever happen so someone or the worst... two sides of the same coin.

Today i heard that a couple of friends of mine are in an akward situation.. both of them looked sad and confused. Rafa and Marlene... a good friendship that somehow turn into love.

Sadly... R is not in a point in his life where he can commit to the relationship (or so people say) and M wont continue with the fooling around.

... damn love... sometimes things are best to leave untouched.. platonic... as a beutiful perhaps.

I feel in the mood...

2006-09-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

.. of taking a long walk down the street. Get myself lost in the forest, like that one time. Walk aimlessly with nothing better to do that listening to a new CD.

I honestly miss alll those good times... when life was so much simplier.. before I got it all complicated... people say that the price of getting what you wish for is getting what you once wanted. I wanted a job, I wish I could be more independent, to expand my economic posibilities; however, little I knew that I was in a path that has taken most of the things I used to enjoy in life. Now i have a job there is a bunch of things i wish i could do and dont because a day only has 24 hours:
+Writting.
+Updating this blog.
+Reading.
+Walking.
+Sleeping.
+Hanging out with my friends.
+Slacking.
+Going to concerts.
+Getting drunk.
+Buying music.
+Wishing i had money to buy music.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

Now that i have the money to buy shit loads of CD's... I DONT!!

WHAT's THE POINT!!!

...

argh -_-

Sooooo weird

2006-05-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

I love weird dreams. Those kinda dreams in which everything makes no sense at all once you think about it, but while dreaming it, it all makes sense.

I had a weird dream once. In which i thought i was to become a great writer, to be famouse and be read all around the world.

... i think am waking up to me.

... sigh

Finally...

2006-05-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

... a breather.

This is probably my first afternoon free in a very long time... well, not really. I do have time off, but most of the times i try to spend that time NOT blogging and actually doing stuff with real people and not just shinny thingies in the screen (a.k.a porn).

.. wow... i haven't blogged in sooooo long and it feels weird to get back at it.

Right now am happy, and I've been mostly very happy for the past months. Things with Melina are going great, good times at my work and bla bla bla... all those little things that people in the movies have so they can call themselves happy.

I have all that, plus a pony tail. So am twice as happy O.o

... hmmmmm... errrrr... sigh

I forgot how to blog. I shoud this more often, and start over. Don't try to write all the things thata happened... i would need a whole book... as big as the bible... or bigger, and hollier ^-^

anyways... see ya people. Take care. And.... errr yup...

What about writing once a week? Good enough? That shall be my goal.. first once a week...

Gasthritis is not fun...

2006-04-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

I have never been so freaking busy! I remember those times when I used to get stressed out with school work and other activities and complaining about being too busy... but now, oh my friends!, all those busy times are nothing compered to what I am experiencing right now.

I wish i was a cow... so i could throw away my stomach and still have another three to ruin...

... yikes

205

2006-03-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

My post #205... Really, this thing has gotten really far. Who would have guessed that what started as a way to vent my sadness when i broke up with Ireri will end up being a part of my life? A way of keeping life stored in writing.

I have so much to talk about... but the feeling is overwhelming, and I have to confess that one of the reasons I stopped writing was because a lot of people that I wanted to write about used to read this blog.

The last couple of days have been weird... lots of good stuff going on in my life. A nice work, a nice girl... but dunno, I am wondering way too much in my mind lately... just thinking nonsense. Being haunted by a strangeness. Is this a way of sabotage? A fucked up way of keeping myself from being truly happy?

... sigh. I dont know. I guess i just have to dive some more into myself and find the answers. I hate doing that kinda journey. Sometimes being inside of myself is very scary.

... HERSHEY's. A great opportunity in my life. I'm in charge of the Cycle Counting, a part of the department of logistics in charge of the finished good (A.K.A candy). It's a good job, challenging, and great in the way that my brain is starting to think like it have never done before. I never thought of the HUGE difference between solving a school problem and solving REAL problems. The good thing about this job is that it's a great opportunity to build a career in an international organization such as hershey's. The bad is that sometimes i feel that my boss is asking way to much of me... am already doing the work of two people, and I'm doing that just part time.

MELINA. Nice. Great. Happy. Smiling. ^-^ This last couple of weeks have been great. Truly great. I have to admit it's still strange to date a "Melina"... i mean, she is my friend!!! hehehehehe... Weird.. but nice. I can't wait to see where this new adventure takes me. I hope somewhere nice.

Cheers people...

Neglecting bastard...

2006-03-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

Really... i was reading my blog last night.. just random posts and it made me remember a lot of good moments in my life... good times that otherwise i could have forgotten completly. So yeah. I want to get back to write regularly in this thing.

Sigh.. i just have to find the time.

News? well.. yeah... Melina ^-^... my muse and mermaid... well... Am dating her now.

Good times =)

Work? I am working at Hershey's... great job! great opportunity!

I will dwell more on these topics later. Maybe this weekend.

My life is going great so far... in fact it scares me! ehehehe, too good to be true...

My life so far...

2006-03-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well, i have neglected my blog long enough, and I miss writing almost everyday. It's been so long since the last time i sat down and let it all out while writing. What has happened so far?

Things with Mariel are done... and honestly i think they were over a long time ago, but I was trying too hard to make things work... if you ask me, i'll probably say that things were crappy since I was in Canada. I just refused to let go that easily. Was I doing it because of Mariel?... hmmm, no I don’t think so. I think I got to a point when I wanted the relationship to work because I thought that was the correct thing to do, not really because it was the best for me.

How am i feeling about it? Well... it always sucks to fail in a relationship, but I am feeling calm and even happy. Starting to believe that it was for the best, and now that my head is clear and I'm able to see things from a different perspective i think better times are coming. Much better ^-^

Work-wise... well I am starting to look for a job. I put all that on hold for a while, and today I had an interview at Hershey's. A promising job and I really liked the girl that interviewed me. She was nice and frankly I think I impressed her. She asked me if I could speak in English, and then asked me to describe my family and my plans for the future in English. I did. You should have seen her face!!! she was smiling and said she was quite impress with my correct grammar and fluency. I made it to the next round ^-^ I have yet another interview with the guy that would be my direct boss on Monday.

The only bad thing about working there is that is too far away, and I'll be spending a lot of money on gas... actually almost my entire pay check. Well... I guess I'll be doing it for the experience then ^-^

Last week... Puerto Vallarta with the guys from Canada. GREAT GREAT time. ^-^ This deserves and entire post on its own, so I guess I'll do it later. But really, so relaxing and fun. I'm really going to miss you guys =(

School? ... bad bad bad... hehehehe, as a direct consequence of going an entire week to Puerto Vallarta my grades will go down dramatically. Pffffft... who cares? I had fun.

Life... hmmmm.. i haven’t seen my friend Pancho in a long time. I kinda miss him.

The future... interesting ^-^

Really looking forward for this Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll comment more about Saturday later on... maybe. Or maybe I'll just keep it to myself.

pffft...

2006-02-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post something... i just dont feel like it.

Maybe someday soon.

Hugs to you all...

And it keeps coming back...

2006-02-07T08:48:00.000-08:00

... that feeling about being all over. I keep refusing to believe it, to actually accept the fact that life has suddenly catch up in a matter of a few months and that all my friends are slowly moving into different and new moments in their lives... graduating, getting jobs abroad. I guess that the only constant in life is change, and I have to come to terms with it.

Its just that last monday i went to Erick's place for some good old times, beer and videogames... and by the end of the night we realize that it was probably one of the last times we can do that together.

hmmm... the fest is officially gone. At least we decided that because my bro is away, and it can't be a fest unless all 4 founding members are in it. Erik and Blanco are probably going away in a few months... so the fest will be scattered.

*sigh*

Horoscopes...

2006-01-31T08:21:00.000-08:00

freaked me out sometimes... For the last couple of weeks I've read this horoscope, and its shocking how similar it has being to my actual life. It's not like I believe in those kinda stuff, heck, I really don't believe in fate because I like to think I am responsible for my own life and that I can actually make a difference... However.

Freaky... freaky.

Anyways... this last week? It was weird, lots of nice event and a handful of really nice stuff and just a couple of "bad" things. Not even "bad", just not as nice as the rest, and well... i have to remember that every moment in our life is neutral and we are the ones that decide to give it a positive or a negative value.

We got the new car already... a beautiful black Peugeot 206. Nice looking, nice driving and cheap (low gas consume). This mere fact has bring a whole new spectrum of comfort to my life, I feel that i "own" my time more since i don’t depend on my dad or mom to move around the city anymore, which is giving more sleep hours.

Things with Mariel are still weird, and something's telling me that will be weird for a while (and that something is my freaking heart that wont let go). Last Saturday I went out with her and it has really nice. We spent the whole day together and I had a blast. At some moment of the day i actually begin to think "hmmm... we might work as friends, she can be my hot geek friend that can go with me to conventions and stuff and she can introduce me to more hot geek girls and bla bla bla"... everything was finally starting to "feel good", but when I gave her a ride home in the night she asked me if she could give me a hug. I said yes.

She hugged me... for a long time and tightly. It was nice hug... but all that "ok" stuff in my mind began to melt again and be replaced for angst and love ache... after we hugged i noticed she was crying. She didn’t say why, she just said goodbye and closed the door.

Weird... weird... weird.

Nevertheless I still feel better than two week ago... yes... yes... i miss her and stuff, but I feel like am finally getting to be in "good terms" with this. So I dunno what’s going to happen in my life regarding Mariel... I am sure that she is confused... and it still hurts when i picture her with another guy... but i'll just let it be. She needs what she needs.

Friends???... pfffft... great!!! I'm beginning to take more risks regarding friends and stepping out of my comfort zone. To open myself to new people and exploring new kinda friendships. As for today I am going out with Melina and Isra... great friends and I'm really excited. It looks like a promising afternoon.

Hmmm.. what else? (i really have to start updating this more often).

Work? Still none... I guess it's not my moment yet. But I wont give up, I'll keep looking around.

Cam, Mel and Pauline... wow... in like 3 weeks they are gonna be here!!! I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT!!! ^-^

... And well my bro, I am happy for him because he is finally starting to like "the good music", hehehehe, i remember the times when he used to laugh at my music and now the bitch is loving it.

Anyways... I am off... ^-^

Keep the good vibes coming... they helped.

Put it to work....

2006-01-25T06:15:00.000-08:00

Well... if i were to count things and how they are going. I'd say that 0.5 things out of three are working out OK. Of those 3 I'm sure 2 of them will work out for the best, and well... that's a pretty good score. Right?

The car... well, the new car is already in the house, but we still have to work some details. My dad has a really "good" imagination, but he usually put it to work in the wrong direction. He's always picturing the worst scenario, and well, to the tell you truth, it's not very reassuring when you just bought a car. So... am really hoping he is wrong and things will work out for the best. Neh. I am sure things will work out. They always do.

The job... pffffft.... I don't think it's going to happen. To much little uncertainties and stuff that are starting to feel "not right". Anyways, let's see what happens. I've decided to stop putting that much energy into that matter and start concentrating in other things. If the job thingy works out then GREAT!, if it doesn't I am sure i'll be able to get another job somewhere else.

(just to clear things out. One of the two opportunities in the beer factory didn't work, the job was already taken and they are offering me another one but it's not as good as the last one... and quite frankly I don't want to work 3o hours a week, give up freedom and probably do worse in school for I job i dont like. The second opportunity... well, I haven't been able to contact the guy)

And the third... Mariel. hmmmm... That's going better... I'm starting to feel better about the whole deal. Yes... yes... I know, am sorry to keep bringing this up. But it's just that I have good days and bad ones. I miss her a lot. I miss her vibes, her energy and her cuteness, but I'm starting to believe this is all for the best. So yeah... am moving.

... so there you go guys! I'll keep working to make that 0.5 a 2 or even a 3!!!!! ^-^

... sigh... I just remember. Mariel told me that she is gonna cold me this week to arrange a meeting on Saturday. I dont know how i feel about that anymore. If she doesnt call, well... that's it. I'll be sad and all but I'd finally will let her go (so am kinda wishing she doesn't call), but i know that if she doesn't... well... i'll be really REALLY sad.

Beat the week...

2006-01-24T07:09:00.000-08:00

Well, last week can be easily classifies as the shittiest week in a long time for me. Lots of things happening, life moving way too fast and mostly in not... uhm... pretty ways.

First things first. Last Saturday Mariel and I broke up. Apparently she is going through some phase that have her all confused and she is "not able to commit herself to a relationship and needs to be alone". Dwelling in this issue a little more... well, yeah it hurt. I can't say I didn't see it coming. Things were weird for the last month or so, but I still had the hope that things will get better.

Right Now? Well... right now I still have feelings for her, and I know that if she manage to put her shit together soon and ask me to get back together I most likely will say yes, but I also know myself and I know that love weakens with time in this situations, and if she takes too long... well, I doubt that I'll say yes.

... but that's just wishful thinking, right? She may naver want to get back together.

Yesterday I had short, yet nice chat with her... and I helped me a lot to "let go", to say things I needed to say and to "get the feeling" of what's really going on. Right now I feel like I can trust what I felt yesterday... and I feel much better now.

*sigh* I miss her... and I miss the way things used to be when they were O.K.

This whole "Mariel" affair probably surrounded me with "bad vibes" and made me see life a little shittier. I was supposed to buy a car last Tuesday. A really good opportunity (price wise and car wise), but the car was taken Monday afternoon... so... pfffft... no car for me.

The good news? Well... we found a new car. A really good opportunity too, and we actually closed the deal on that one. So I HAVE A NEW CAR NOW!!! ^-^

Also I am encountering some problems with finding a job, my school schedule is kinda getting in the way, and last Friday when I tried to fix it they acted really “bureaucratic” and nasty... sigh... I haven’t really work my way around this thing, but I am sure things will turn out for the best.

... what else? Well... i got a really bad flu last Friday, but am better now.

and... well... the weekend was awesome! A great concert and company on Saturday and nice chat with friends on Sunday ^-^

So I'd like to think I won... last week is gone and things will only get better.

Send good vibes!

My divided self...

2006-01-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

You see, what happens right now is weird... weird like in "I've never felt like this before". That kinda strange feeling of stepping in the unknown, leaving all that is safe and sane behind, and entering the wicked world of love, confusion and romance. That's how weird I feel... get it?

I am grown up man now... or at least that what I'd like to believe. I have faced hardship, I have seen friends and love ones die, I have been broken hearted, I have done a lot of stuff in the last 5 years that I feel like I am closer to be a man than a kid.... However, knowing this is only making things harder for me, because sometimes I realize that I am not allowing myself to feel what I need to feel and to commit all kinda stupid and pathetic things.

... sigh. How did Mariel managed to make me love her that much?

One part of me wants to move on... he knows that this is probably for the best.
The other part though... juts wants to be with Mariel.

And to make things worst i ran into her today... she was beautifull.

Damn.

I don't understand...

2006-01-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

1. Quantics Physics.
2. Women.
3. Men.
4. People that use "hotmail" ins
5. Myself..

... sigh.

I don't understand myself.

Quizas...

2006-01-12T19:54:00.000-08:00

Sueño con una posibilidad

un fantasma quizás

Sobrevuelo esta realidad,

evado

… un loco enamorado

Caminando por un mundo

Que pierde lo cotidiano

Se vuelve extraño, pálido, pesado

Si no caminas a mi lado

Fantasmas que susurran tu nombre

Y tu recuerdo a cada paso

La voz de mi corazón, queda

persistente…

no descansa hasta ser escuchada

no permite olvidar

Y todo por una posibilidad

Un sueño y un futuro desquiciado

Donde camino a tu lado

QUIZAS

Quisiera encontrar una manera

Para compartir esta locura

Que al cerrar lo ojos sientas mis latidos

fueron, son y serán tuyos

Derribar todas esas barreras

y llegar lejos

para compartir este sueño

para plantear una duda

QUIZAS

I hate social events...

2006-01-11T11:44:00.000-08:00

... and how people tend to turn every single chance they've got into a social event with a political agenda.

The director or my university died last month. He was a friend of my dad and, for what my dad have told me, a good man. However, since he died, people have constantly being making all sort of events to honor him, but they look more like social events than nothing. People get together just to talk and make sure their best interested are safe.

It's just... digusting. A lot of people go there, without even knowing the guy, just to be seen there.

Hipocrites.

There is always a song...

2006-01-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

... for every occasion, and it is actually really amazing how life is sometimes perfectly tuned to our feelings, and synchronized to those moments in our life. One of my greatest pleasures in life is to walk around with a strong feeling in my chest, an idea in my mind, and suddenly my Discman start playing the perfect song for the moment. I feel like in the middle of a movie with a well thought soundtrack.

Or maybe our feelings accommodate the music we listen to. Hmmm. Makes me wonder about the kind of music we listen to.

First day of classes... *sigh*

So good to see all my friends, to get all those hugs and smile that much. They were good times.

The Good: finally in my last year, and i might get a job.
The Bad: my last YEAR!!! OH MY GOD!!!... and if i get the job i wont have as much free time now. But I really want to take part of that project. They sent my resume today, so please send good vibes so that the BEST happens for me. Whatever it is.
The ... : Melina is getting a great opportunity, good for her, not so good for me... hehehe, i wont be able to see her that much this semester.
The Ugly: my brother is going back to Edmonton. Ill be the only child... sigh.
The Great: I'm moving to my brother's bedroom... finally ill get the big bed.

Life is catching up...

Sleepy head...

2006-01-06T23:21:00.000-08:00

For the first time in something like 7 months I've had to wake up early this last couple of days... and let me tell you guys, I think I am not quite ready to this life. I discovered that not only I am not a morning person, but also when sleepy, my top and only priority is to sleep. For a few minutes in those painful mornings all i can think of is sleep. I picture myself sleeping at school, in the car, getting back to bed, going to bed as soon as I get home... my whole life is, for some instants in my head, an ode to sleep.

This is actually frightening because I am looking forward to find a job next semester... what will add up around 30 hours of work per week to the time I have to spent as a full time student who is taking 7 classes (the normal course load is only 6), but I really want to get that job so I can get some first hand experience in the field i want to specialize in and also to get some extra money.

Another big problem of getting a job is that I will be saying "good bye" to the posibility of traveling this summer (the project that am interested in is suppose to last a whole year) and also having a job will complicate matters when Mel and Cam come to Mexico...

... such a dilema

My brother had a point though. I need to start planning ahead now, I have only one more year of school, and I need to plan my life in advance.

pfffffffffft.... i hate growing up.

I think too much...

2006-01-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

Well... the big lesson that i learnt this week is that I THINK WAY TOO FAST.

Things with Mariel have being way too complicated for my head and my heart. I was angry with her, then we kinda broke up, and then i missed her a lot and the we got back together and then I am feeling helpless... Its weird how being in a relationship can make you sometime feel so lonely, like inmerse in a love, but by yourself.

Thats the way I am feeling right now. I feel like I love Mariel a lot, and she doesnt loves me back. I am not saying that she hates me or anything... but for the love of God, she is 18, and now i realize that she might be in a point in fer life when she needs to ber ALONE.

... or not.

Or I maybe over reacting again and thinkiny way too much and too fast. Damn it!

I've came to believe that my problem is, basically, the uncertainty. The fact that I really don't know whats going on, what does she really feels and what the heck is the status of our relationship. When I finally told her that I love her and miss her he acted great, she told me she was sorry and bla bla bla... hugs and all the rest. Happy Good times.

But as soon as we part... pffft! Again the feeling that she doesnt care about me comes again... she didnt answer back my "happy new year message", but hey!, relax... probably she didnt get it.

... ARGH!

Its so complicated and freaking weird that its funny. Most of the people i know have had "love issues" in this change of year. WEIRD.

Anyways... This 2006 promises to be interesting. Let's see what surprises are in store and how life will feel like now that my brother is gonna live in Canada.

Happy New Year!

... i guess ¬_¬

Damn...

2005-12-30T18:49:00.000-08:00

Wow... i just got back from the Cirque du Solei... wow...

The problem is that it made me miss Mariel too much...

Stupid... argh... pathetic... me.

I miss her.

A better man?

2005-12-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

So, am finally back from Edmoton. An important moment in my life has ended and now endless and new possibilities are waiting for me to challenge them. Hopefully I will come victorious in most of them.

Right now... as much I'd like to write about coming back, about the shock of waking up in my bed and how strange my home feels like now... i can't. There is a big dark cloud over me right now. Stopping me from enjoying or feeling anything at its fullest. And honestly, by now, am growing weary.

It's about Mariel, my girlfriend... or not. I really don't know if I can still call her my girlfriend... i mean, girlfriends are suppose to make us feel good, make us feel love and make us smile. Right now she is not making me feel any of that. I haven't really talk to her in something like three weeks, the last time i talked to her was a short "happy x-mas" phone call.

The reason that we haven't talked as much as we used to is because I noticed that I have to the one that calls her all the time or else we don't talk at all, the same with e-mails and that kinda stuff... and when you are, as we were, in a long distance relationship is very important to communicate a lot, and i felt that basically all the responsibility of the relationship was on my shoulders... and that's not how relationships are suppose to work

So i did an experiment... i stopped calling her. She never called me, she never wrote. That is why I havent talked to her.

What really angers me a lot is the fact that I've already talked to her about that, and she said she was sorry and she was gonna put more effort. She obviously didn't.

Is because she doesn't care?... pffft... maybe

She was suppose to come back today from the beach... i was suppose to see her today for the first time in a couple of months and talk to her for the first time in a couple of weeks... so, around 7 pm i got concerned and send her a text message. She is coming back tomorrow!!!

AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN IT IF I HAVENT SENT HER THE MESSAGE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

... I drove around today carrying her x-mas present all day long so i could have it with me when she'd arrive. For nothing.

I was talking to Rebecca, a great friend that i met in Canada and was in town today and I was telling her how stupid i feel for being faithful to Mariel in Canada now. I had the chance to have sex with a lot of girls, kiss a lot more and just fool around with more... and I didnt because I love Mariel and i wanted to be faithful. And when i say "having the chance" i mean actually having a girl offering me sex... not only a "slight opportunity"... am talking about A LOT of self control.

But now i feel that i just did that for nothing. For a girl that probably doesnt care about me... pffft... not even if I am dead or alive. I spent x-mas eve away from home... i really expected a phone call from her. Keep on dreaming little boy... bah!

Rebecca told me to stop thinking like that... that the fact of me being faithful makes a better man, not a stupid man.

So... is that true... am i a better man? or just plain stupid?

*sigh*

She is coming back tomorrow... please good vibes... I need them.

I wonder if one of these days...

2005-11-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

... I'll slowly start my transformation into a dull, work centered human being. I fear the days to come in which nothing more interesting comes out of my mouth than topics related to work, study and money. I dread the days when my friends will stop caring about what I think of life, about music, myself, friendship, love and simply things that really matter. I dread the future, if it ever comes, when I'll stand in the middle of a party, full of bored, sad people with nothing more to share. Dry. Beaten by life, but specially feeling guilty because in some moment of our lives we left behind our dreams. Forgotten.

*Sigh*

Let that day never come, let my dreams never fade and give me the strength to keep standing in this river, that fights so hard to drag me with it. Into a world that I despise.

Let magic never die.

Girls

2005-10-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

It's such a complicated topic. Girls.

Most of the time men are portrayed as assholes, sex zombies that seek nothing but get lucky with a girl and it might be true most of the time, but girls: do me a favour and don't generalize.

I'm a little pissed off right now, for the last couple of weeks I've being shamelessly harassed by girls that know that I have a girlfriend... not only they know that but I also try to bring that up every two sentences. I mean, how hard can it be to understand girls? I DO NOT WANT TO CHEAT ON MARIEL... ehem... or as I was tempted to say last time: LET GO OF ME AND FUCK OFF.

Last night i had to, literally, run away from not one, but two girls.

First of all, this is not an attempt to show off by saying "yeah, those girls really wanted me". I am disgusted and appalled 'coz of their behaviours. Girls: if you ever wonder why men treat you like sluts, maybe you should think for a moment to see if you've being acting like one for the last 6 years of your life.

Anyway... yesterday I went to this party on campus. A girl from Austria was celebrating that she got an internship in Sweden and invited over to her place a bunch of international people (at the peak of the party you could find people from 8 different countries). That Austrian girl was hitting on me pretty hard last week, but I thought we had that cover and she was ready to be friends. I think that I made the same old mistake; I thought the best of people. MISTAKE NUMBER ONE.

I tried as hard to ignore the girl throughout the party, which later on I remembered it's not a good thing to do to a girl. They feel challenged when ignored.

At some point of the party another drunken girl found me cute enough to harass. Shit.

I was having a great time talking to all my friends, and I didn't wanted to leave the place just because a couple of girls were trying to get me, so I decided to stay. MISTAKE NUMER TWO.

By the end of the party I was literally walking back and fort in the apartment trying to run away from these girls. Luckily for me, a couple of cool girls: Gaby and Camille help me out a lot. They realized what was going and they constantly rescued me from the other two girls.

After the party ended a small group decided to continue having fun in a club called Stolis (great place) and I was having a great conversation with a couple of guys, so I decided to come along even though my two angels Gaby and Camille, weren't going. MISTAKE NUMBER THREE. In all fairness, the chat with those guys was great. The club was like 20 blocks away, so we enjoyed a good conversation on our way.

At the club the girls that were trying to get me were fighting over me, that part wasn’t that bad actually, it was fun… hehehehe… sad but fun. When I decided that it was time for me to go was when one of the girls cornered me, tried to unzip my pants and told me: “Fuck me”.

…. Yeah… very classy.

When this happened I just told the girl: YOU DO KNOW THAT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, and YOU DO KNOW THAT AM NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK YOU, and I WONT. I guess that, because of the loud music, the girl understood: KEEP TRYING CRAZY BITCH.

After a couple of minutes I got so angry that I just stormed out of the place.

The other girl, the one that didn’t actually said “fuck me” ran after me and grab me by the arm. I like that girl in fact. She is cute, really smart and with a great taste in music, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love Mariel and I don’t want to cheat on her. This girl told me that she wanted to talk to me, and I agreed. MISTAKE NUMBER FOUR.

Her “talking” was basically a mix between her trying to kiss me and me trying to get away… dudes… girls are really strong when they want to O.o

I told her “Look, I don’t want to be an asshole, but you know that I have a girlfriend and I don’t want to kiss you” She let go off my at last. I told her that I was going home, and she told me she wanted to walk with me. I agreed and told her that she should get her coat. “I’ll wait for you downstairs”

I didn’t wait at all. In fact I ran like a little kid running away from the neighbour’s dog. I ran until I thought I was far enough and out of sight.

*sigh*

I was really sad. I really liked that girl. I really thought we could be mates.

*sigh*

I’m not sad about the other “classy” one, in fact I really hope she finds an asshole man to treat her as the slut she is.

*ehem*

I didn’t want to be alone so I called my brother. MISTAKE NUMBER FIVE. Apparently, according to his friends , I’m the stupidest man in the world for not taking the chance.

Good one dudes… keep up with that line of thought, but please don’t complain next time a girl says “all men are assholes”

I’d like to say that I had a great night… which at some point I was having, but it was totally ruined by a couple of girls that wouldn’t take a “no” for an answer.

Girls… so you know, when we men say: NO, we also mean NO.

… am gone.

... i love getting myself lost

2005-10-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was supposed to go to this International BBQ in the middle of the forest...

I never made it... I got utterly and hopelessly lost

Spent the whole afternoon walking around in the forest 'till I found my way out.

Funny thing though... i wasn't scared.

I felt at easy... with my Discman, my music and a book. Peaceful.

Great way to spent an afternoon... walking aimlessly in a forest.

So far...

2005-09-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

.. the squirrels and I haven't talk that much.

yet.

Sorry for abandoning this blog for such a long time, but I'll put it on hold while am away in Canada.

But... hehehehe... i'd rather write e-mails with the little time I have free to spend in a computer.

Well, keep the good vibes going guys.

All is good here.

THEY LIVE!!!

2005-09-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

yes... am alive and having a good time. Lot's of things going on, so don't expect frequent post but keep sending the good vibes.

We (and by we I meant my brother and I) got an apartment already, and I really didn't waste any time in having some good, fun times in it... ^-^

The anxiety of the whole international experience is still there... will I have a good time? Am I going to make lots of new friends? Shall I be having drunken crazy times?

Questions yet unanswered
... the friends, I already met a few promising people.
... the drunken times, have already being there.
... the crazy fun, yet to come.

but still... am nervous...

WHAT IF I ENDED UP SITTING ALONES TALKING TO SQUIRRELS THE WHOLE SEMESTER... AND SOBER!!!!!!!????

hehehehe...

send good vibes.

Off I go...

2005-08-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

See you guys... sorry for the shortage in posts, but I've being very busy with the last minute stuff and trying to spent as much time as I can with my friends and Mariel.

*sigh*

Good last days I think... a bunch of heart feeling good byes, and few tears (but manly ones, mind you).

I'll write yuo guys ASAP... and well, to all of you who DID go to my party thank you (even for those little mermaids that just hang for a while =P )

Take care... and have a nice hug ^-^

PD: To my mates of the fellowship of the fest... you have no idea how much I'll miss you... see you in later and better times for yet another fest (and just in case you are wondering pancho, I do count you as a part of the fest fellowship).

Now...

2005-08-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

"I can feel the distance getting close..."

Happy/Nervous/Excited/Sad/...

Friday Night...

2005-08-18T06:52:00.000-07:00

Well the mail is already traveling in the net, thru the air and passing through our internals organs and...

Anyway... ehem... This Friday, and 8:30 at the Pancho Reatas people!!! I'll see you there

Happy B-Day!!!

2005-08-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

You shall congratulate me... you shall overwhelm me with nice presents... *_*

Well... my birthday again. Now am 21 years old and am officially an adult in every country in the world. I don't feel like one though.

The apathy that always comes with my b-day is a little dim this year 'coz of the whole "going away to the freezer country"... so most likely am gonna do something as a birthday/farewell party this Friday.

I haven't decided the place yet... a bar for sure, but where? I'll send an e-mail as soon as I've made up my mind.

Quién soy?

2005-08-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

Voy a escribir esto en español porque me preocupa más el fondo que la forma. Y como en mi idioma natal la forma no me preocupa se me facilita más expresar lo que pienso sin tardarme tanto y perderme en traducciones.

Hoy en la noche Mariel y yo terminamos teniendo un plática muy interesante. Nos pusimos a filosofar y nos dejamos llevar por nuestras ideas y conversación. Lo que empezó como una plática un poco tonta acabó siendo una muy buena discusión que duró cerca de dos horas.

Así lo recuerdo:

Comenzamos hablando sobre fantasías sexuales. No en el sentido de compartir nuestras fantasías, sino que le pregunté si estaría dispuesta a realizar alguna de SUS fantasías, a lo que ella me contestó que no. "Las fantasías deben quedarse como fantasías muchas veces", fue a la conclusión a la que llegamos después de un rato, pero: por qué. ¿Qué es lo que hace a las fantasías tan exclusivas del mundo del sueño y la imaginación, qué es lo que las hace prohibidas en esta realidad?

Nos encontramos primero definiendo la realidad. Si la realidad la limitamos a nuestras percepciones, entonces una fantasía "vivida" con nuestros cinco sentidos, se hace real; y por lo tanto es víctima a las juicios morales de bondad y maldad.

Ella no estuvo de acuerdo. Dijo que las fantasías así como los sueños NOS pertenecían y, al ser nuestros, carecían de la perversión de otras mentes. Por ejemplo: al fantasear sobre sexo. Al tener una fantasía estas teniendo sexo con una proyección que te pertenece, una creación de tu imaginación y por lo tanto, al quedarse dentro de tí, se mantiene pura.

Después me pregunté sobre la realidad virtual. Y si llegará el día de compartir mundos virtuales, con los cinco sentidos con otras personas. Experiencias "reales" en todo sentido y en tiempo real. ¿Sería inmoral tener sexo con ellos en esa realidad?

Mariel seguía diciendo que sí. Que el sexo es algo demasiado importante como para tomarlo en juego y más si estaba siendo usada para el placer de otras personas. ¿Pero no es lo mismo que fantasear? ¿Cuál es la diferencia entonces entre esa realidad virtual y la fantasía? El hecho de que otras personas concientes, libres y dueñas de sus actos están involucrados.

Entonces nos metimos en otra problemática más allá que la definición de la realidad. ¿Cómo nos definimos a nosotros mismos? Somos un conjunto de percepciones, somos nuestra conciencia, nuestra alma... qué somos.

"El alma lo es todo. Un conjunto de tu conciente y tu inconsciente. Tus percepciones y sentimientos. Es un TODO" pensó Mariel. Entonces en un sueño vívido y conciente (como a a veces los tenemos) o en una realidad virtual, esta presente nuestra alma. ¿Somos capaces de proyectar nuestra alma junto con nuestra imaginación a otras realidades y otros lugares?

Si tomamos la definición de Mariel de alma. Nuestra alma esta en nuestros sueños, en nuestra imaginación, en nuestra realidad… Si no, al soñar o al entrar en un mundo generador por realidad virtual y fantasías, nuestra alma se queda con nuestro cuerpo. ¿El alma estaría limitada a nuestro cuerpo o a nuestra conciencia? Se quede nuestra alma junto con nuestro cuerpo o viaja a donde sea que vayamos nosotros… nuestra consciencia o inconsciencia, como parte de un todo al ser inconscientes esta presente nuestra alma también.

Al llamar a este TODO alma, estamos diciendo que nosotros en esencia somos nuestra alma. La consciencia es parte del alma así como la inconsciencia y nuestras percepciones y sentimientos. Somos, entonces, algo más que nuestra conciencia… algo más grande, y por lo tanto más permanente. No importa si estamos conscientes, si percibimos o no… somos en esencia y no en consciencia.

Pensando de esta manera. Si YO me imagino junto a Mariel… si mi alma tiene la capacidad de ir junto con mi imaginación a esa realidad. Entonces en esencia estoy con ella. Y si ella se imagina que esta conmigo pasa lo mismo.

De una forma romántica podemos decir que lo único que se necesita para estar junto a otra persona es el deseo de estar con ella… más allá de las barreras de una u otra realidad.

Pero nos encontramos con un problema. Yo estoy con una Mariel imaginada por mi… no con ella. Pero se podrá, si hacemos el esfuerzo de crearnos una realidad idéntica para los dos… donde los dos nos imaginemos juntos… aunque nuestra conciencia no lo este, ¿nuestras almas pueden estar juntas? Ella dentro de mi sueño y yo dentro del mío.

¿Esta el alma limitada a un sólo lugar y tiempo? Podemos trascender más allá de lo que conocemos con realidad y estar con la persona que queremos, sólo con quererlo así.

Suena bien, ¿no?

Cuando estamos con alguien. Estamos sujetos a la percepción de esa persona. Estamos con una imagen de esa persona creada por nuestros sentidos. Y esa persona esta percibiéndonos de la misma forma. Pero estamos JUNTOS. ¿Es real sólo porque tenemos cuerpos? O podemos estar juntos con otras percepciones y en otras realidades. Por qué, si creemos en el alma, limitarnos a estar juntos fisicamente.

Puedo en un sueño/imaginación/fantasía crear una realidad, compuesta por percepciones completas, donde me permita estar con la persona que quiero. A la mejor no con su consciencia… pero SÍ con su ESENCIA.

Y esa persona hacer lo mismo…

ESTAMOS JUNTOS EN ESENCIA.

So, how much???

2005-08-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of making some business that will, if everything works ok, give a few extra earth moneys. I'm going to sell something that i know by the name of "poys" (cool little things that'll give you tons of fun and is a good exercise for the mind).

These "poys" are a form of circus art (remember those things that people hang from a chain and then lit on fire to do some really cool things?). I have already learned a few tricks and just last Saturday, in a friend's B-day party I started playing with them alongside with Mariel, as out of nowhere people started approaching us so the could see and learn some moves. To my surprise some of these curious fellows and ladies asked me if could sell these things to them 'coz they were so entertained and willing to learn.

... a bright little light bulb appeared over my head.

I'll try and sell some "Poys" here in mexico an I'll take some more to Canada. What troubles me is what follows: how much should I charge for them?

I asked around and people have told me all kinda things. Blanco told me that he would be willing to pay 40 pesos (less that 4 dollars), but my brother told me that he could easily pay 100 pesos 'coz he is aware of the time and trouble I need to do them...

aha... am a little confused.

Blanco is a cheap meanie bastard (just kidding, not a bastard, he is well aware of who his dad is) and I really think that 40 pesos is very low 'coz of the materials cost and the time that it takes to do them (they are hand made), but on the other hand, my brother is a big mindless expender, and maybe 100 pesos is too much, and here in Mexico most people wont pay them that easily.

40 pesos is too low... so maybe 60 pesos, 50 at the very least???

I'll ask around...

My first day of school... (NOT!)

2005-08-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

Today I would have had my first day of classes this term. I would probably woke up early, prepare my stuff and get ready for school. But I didn't ^-^ I just want to seize the opportunity to laugh at you poor dummies!! HA HA HA HA HA

Everything is going smoothly... after a stress siezure everything's allright now. I got a little nervous last week for the incredible amount of bad/wierd times. My car died (this lovely car that suffer the horrible wrath of "LA DESVIELADA"), but luckly my dad has a friend that said it wasn't totally trashed and he could fixed it with 2,000 pesos!!!! MAN!! That was awesome 'coz the first mechanic told us that it would coest around 14,000 pesos!!! Now we know that our old mechanic has being ripping us off for the last years... BASTARD!!! But the whole "car not dying" thing is good.

The car dying episode in my life ruined me a couple of nights... I wasn't able to see some friends of mime, go to a concert and stuff like that... you know, things that demanded a car to move around the city.

Another thingy that had my worried is the fact that we haven't find an appartment in Edmonton yet... IS SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE! Dudes, if anyone of you can help us out with this it would be great. We are looking for a place around $700 USCAN, if able partially furnished and not that far away for the University of Alberta. Sadly the cheapest thing we have found is around $900 ... we still have a lot to do... sniff sniff... I don't wanna sleep on the streets :(

Only two weeks left...

O.o

PD: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!

Gay porn...

2005-08-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

Man... i believe there are a few things that God put on this world just to make us appreciate beauty. You know, in order to enjoy good things sometimes we have to the opposite... like murder, dead, sadness, puke, stomachaches... and of course: gay porn.

I have a couple of gay friends (well, one of them claims to be bisexual... but meh, he is so gay) and we were hanging out and wasting time... and out of the blue they decided to watch porn.. of course when they said "porn" i thought they meant the standard hetero stuff... but a few seconds later I realized that I was wrong, and well... gay porn it is.

It was not a good thing...

It sucks!!! BIG TIME! And am not just saying this 'coz am hetero... gay porn really sucks... it is... well... sucky.

I feel dirty... i gotta take a thousand showers, and kiss a hundred girls (so, anyone?)...

Phew... at least I took it out of my system... and well... i learnt something NEVER TO WATCH IT AGAIN!

My last month...

2005-08-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

I gotta admit that things aren't going as smoothly as I planned. I didn't receive as much money as I wanted with my job as a tutor in the summer camp (all thanks to the damn taxes... the government took about 20% of my paycheck), and am having some problems with my courses' registration in the University of Alberta 'c0z I haven't got my password and am afraid all the good courses will be completely full before I can enlist.

Anyway.

Summer camp ended nicely… and I do have a bunch of good memories to take with me for a while. Sometimes it’s nice to know that am capable of making a difference is someone’s life, even if it’s only for a couple of weeks… but when my group of girls, some of them crying, hugged me and thank me for everything… well, it makes me think that am not completely a waste of oxygen.

…

I hate when I stop writing in this thing for a long time… I have so many things to write but quite frankly the idea of putting everything down kinda… well… bores me.

I’ll write more tomorrow about my past few weeks…

this is what it's all about...

2005-07-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that am working in a summer camp and bla bla bla... but just a few moments ago I remember something that happened that really got me thinking.

This girl Lupita from my group is a very special young lady. She is 13 years old and already acting like someone my age. I really believe she is "depressive" or something, but it's simply not right that a girl that young act so maturely and even more strange, is so full of pretensions... she is desperate to impress me, talking all day long about music, books, parties and "cool" things... I dunno... but I remember that when I was 13 years old the world was simpler and easier, and this girl is already too concern about everything.

Anyway, this girl really respects my opinions and points of view, and just the other day, without even knowing it, I think I really make her feel bad.

In computer class at the camp she called me to her computer 'coz she wanted to show me something. When I got there she started talking about a group that she really loves (i think it's called Aurum or something), and in fact she talks about that group a lot... and she started showing me some pictures and everything, but as soon as she played a song of them I realized that they were kinda "punk"... so

... so I lost interest right away. I dislike punk. And what I did next... well, I meant no harm. But I just said "BARGH! PUNK! I hate punk!" and I walked away...

... Next morning she didn't show up for summer camp O.o

I SWEAR I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE RUDE!!!... I just... walked away, and at the moment I thought there was nothing wrong with that...

Only one...

2005-07-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

Yes... is our life, but remember that we have only one, so think carefully, we'll never get this moment back.

My life...

There is so much going on in my life lately. Good things mostly. I am working at a summer camp, and although is one of the most tiresome experiences since my trip to Oaxaca, am having a blast. Getting to spend the whole day surrounded by kids is great... they have a certaing vibe, a certain energy and innocence that puts me in a good mood for the rest of the day ^-^

I know for a fact that I want to have children of my own... Which leads me to my next topic.

I am blessed. I met a girl that pretty much fits in my "dream girl" image. Mariel is a great, intelligent, jolly, geeky, interesting, music and art lover, good looking girl. Somehow I can't help to hear this tiny voice inside my head that constantly tells me "is too soon", "she is too young", "I thought you said you wanna get married 'till your early thirties"

The voice is right. We are both too young... so what am I supposed to do? Be her boyfriend for ten more years?... that sounds hard.

But I do love her!!! I just can't walk away from this just because a tiny "pig's voice" inside my head.

My friend Blanco is passing through a shitty experience right now... and somehow it made remember a lot of things, and it just hitted me that I haven't commit myself to Mariel the way I did with Ireri. Is strange, but last time I was in love I even started building my life around my girl... every step I made had her escence all over it, but now I "know better", now I won't allow myself to put all my eggs in one basket. I love Mariel, love every little thing about her, but I haven't let go.

Why is that? Am I protecting myself at some uncouncious level? Or this is the way relationships get?

I know that if I get married of end up sharing my life with someone, I would like her to be a girl like Mariel... so what the fuck?

Bargh... hehehehe...

I just wish I don't end up doing anything stupid that I'll regret for the rest of my life.

(sorry for my spelling errors and stuff... quick post)

Zombie mode...

2005-07-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

So tired...

Damn Summer Camp... am not a "campist" I work there as a tutor for a group of 10 girls...

Back hurting...

Things are good now, last couple of weeks just shitty until last weekend. Good times ...

Poor Blanco...

Will write when able...

Here is a little thing I wrote

2005-07-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

... y otras sorpresas

Creo que no tengo ni el espacio ni la imaginación suficiente como para imaginar su reacción en este momento. La reacción de todos. No se trata de hacer una sombría reflexión, ni una cruda disertación ni una alegre invitación, pero ahora, no puedo dejar de pensar en que la muerte, para nosotros los espectadores, lo complica todo.

La última vez que lo vi fue hace dos semanas en plaza Galerías en el estreno de la película de "Batman: Inicia". Lo vi como se ven todos los encuentros cotidianos e inesperados: con prisas y alegría. Me saludó de un abrazo y nos despedimos a medias con una promesa de vernos pronto. Ahora que lo recuerdo, me gustaría pensar que ese último encuentro fue uno feliz, y que en medio de toda tristeza cotidiana, él estaba contento.

El miércoles por la mañana recibí una llamada de mi hermano: a Jeziel lo habían encontrado el domingo en la madrugada en periférico, sin cartera ni celular, y según las autoridades atropellado… en ese momento estaba en el hospital civil inconsciente, no recibía visitas y nadie sabía realmente qué tan grave estaba.

A lo largo de la semana pedazos de información me ayudaban a armar el rompecabezas. Primero vino el accidente que nadie puede comprender todavía. Después el estado de coma, la insuficiencia respiratoria, las altas temperaturas y lo último que supe: insuficiencia renal. Para
este momento debí haber imaginado el siguiente paso, y de hecho lo hice, pero mi mente bondadosa imaginaba recuperaciones milagrosas y valiosas lecciones de vida… sin embargo la realidad siempre ha estado peleada con mi imaginación, y lo que vino lo complica todo.

Sé que existen miles de refranes y hasta "correos cadena" destinados a momentos como estos. Sabiduría popular cuyo propósito nunca me ha quedado muy claro, y aún ahora, me sigue importando poco.

Sin embargo todos nos encontramos con momentos como estos, donde las advertencias dejan de serlo, y nos quedamos, según como lo queramos tomar, con una promesa o con un "hubiera". Pensándolo todo y nada a la vez. Reflexionando en cosas grandes como el amor en un momento, y en al instante siguiente estar absortos en un vaso de leche.

Es un fenómeno extraño la muerte, que aunque sea parte de nuestras vidas, nunca deja de sorprendernos, y aunque ya la hayamos visto cara a cara en otras pérdidas siempre la sentimos extraña y enrarecida en su cotidianeidad.

Jeziel fue un gran amigo en su corta intervención por mi vida. Y no es fácil darme cuenta que ya no va a estar ahí, en esa esquina, para que le demos un "aventón" al trabajo; que ya no lo voy a escuchar reír; que ya no va a dibujar ni me va abrazar. Todo se complica para nosotros, y aunque estoy seguro que a él ya poco le importa, nosotros nos quedamos extrañándolo en este domingo, ahora complicado yarruinado, por esto, la muerte, que aún no me atrevo a llamar
cotidiano y natural.

Escribo esto no buscando simpatía ni tampoco buscando en ustedes una reflexión que cambie sus vidas… y Dios me ayude si escribo esto con una maldición de que si no lo mandan a quince amigos serán violados por una cabra loca. Escribo esto de manera egoísta. Lo escribo porque
escribir me hace sentir mejor, lo escribo porque dentro de todo mi egoísmo encontré un momento para acordarme de ustedes…

… lo escribo, porque aún no puedo dejar de pensar en ese insípido "adiós", en mi encuentro cotidiano con él, y en las prisas que le dediqué mi tiempo la última vez que lo vi.

... is not the end

2005-07-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

Yeterday a group of friends, co-workers and family wished Jeziel "good luck in his journey"...

... funny though, Jeziel was always late, and he even arrived late for his burial. I know this makes no sense, and there wasn't anything he could do about it, but I found it hilarios. We were supposed to put hum six feet under at 4 pm, and he arrived one hour late. I guess he wasn't in a rush.

Just a few moments ago I spent quite a while just watching at some photos of him, and it brought back memories, it made me both smile and shed a couple of tears... It's just so freaking weird.

I guess one of the things that have made this process a lot more difficult for me is that we heard some rumors... that if true, something very fucked up happened. I really don't feel comfortable writing them down here, but... argh... it angers me just to think about them.

Pancho really helped me calm down 'coz am having some problems that really saddens me with one of my friends, and all this experince made me think a lot about it... he said something that I needed to hear:
"pero no pienses en esas cosas las "ultimas impresiones" así como las primeras no son cosas que reflejen el tumultoso, gratificante y largo camino de la mayoría de relaciones humanans "

(Am to lazy to translate, so if I are an "english reader only" please let me know to translate it )

Thank you Pancho ^-^
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Rants, rants...
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I just want to tel you girls and guys that I love you all.

*sigh* Take care

Shrinking glass...

2005-07-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

I really hope you have all see thru a magnifying glass in your lives. Well, my life right now is under the influence of quite the opposite right now. Under a magnifying glass everything seems enormous, scary and overwhelming; however, since yesterday night every single “problem” in my life suddenly seems microscopic… compared to the feeling when you loose someone you love, when you loose a friend…

Surely you get the point.

It's a shame though. I hope form this moment on I'll be able to ignore this "problems" and focus in what really matters. Whatever that is.

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Someone once told me, that there is only one question we should ask ourselves in the moment of our death: "Did I love well, and was I love well?"

Jez... you were loved, and I surely feel your love even now. So, have a blast making art out of clouds.

See you in the next life.

...

2005-07-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

I have had a couple of really shitty days... and I really don't feel like blogging...

Sometime soon though. These feelings and issues are worth remembering so that I wont let them take over again, but now...

... bleh...

am off

Good vibes...

2005-06-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

I just heard that one of my friends got hit by a car last sunday... he hasn't wake up yet.

Please... to all of you readers... friends or not, please send good vibes. This guy is one of the nicest and sweetest friends I've ever had.

So from the bottom of my heart and yours... send him good vibes.

I remember...

2005-06-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

... this one time, i believe it was back in high school or the early months of my career, in which Pancho and Camila told me, that from the whole gang I was the one with the best "emotional intelligence". This swept me off. For real... it was one of those moments that changes you and defines you. I have never thought I had a good E.I 'till that day... and from that day on I tried to keep it up.

I am the kinda guy that really explodes when angry, and believe you want me in you side... but besides that particularly troublesome detail I think I handle my feelings quite nicely, and tend to built good relationships. Besides… it has being a while since the last time I felt really angry.

But lately... sigh

Lately I've felt things that are... well, new to me. And I swear I used to think I was above these kinda feelings... but the strongest one right now is confusion.

Serendipity or High Fidelity...

Definitely Closer... "we all have a moment in which we made our choice"...

But... I think only time can ever tell me if I made the right one.

Now I know what my bro mean when he writes: *sigh*

POP

2005-06-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

I feel pop right now... I dunno, but lately I've having this feeling of "normality" that I have barely felt. These past few days I've had a couple of moments in which I realize that i am not as "freak" as I thought I was... I have feelings and thoughts that are, well, popular.

Strange...

hmmmm...

I am normal...

I don't... like... it.

I'll dwell more on this tomorrow.

And it all comes down to this...

2005-06-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

Life, relationships, the future and booze.

Those four things are the ingredients of almost every good conversation. Yesterday... well I have to admit that I had really low expectations for the party I attend. At some point I thought I was spending the night with Ana Lore and Mariana (which is not bad at all), catching up and talking, but as people started showing up and the environment built in... I ended having a great time.

Lots of nice things happened yesterday night, but one that I remember quite fondly was when we ended up talking about relationships... and the differences between a woman and man when we face a break up. The things that go through our minds, what we usually do and what we usually want. It's really cool... having this kinda talk in a group both full of males and females, and what's more important is that we all had something to share... something to add to the common knowledge gathered.

By the end of the night there were only four of us left: Hugo, Hapo, Ana Lore and I. And I had a great chat with Hugo about life and the future... and the utter motive for us to be working and studying.

We should really start the "Escuela de Filosofía Urbana Campus Guadalajara"... it would be soooooo great ^-^

Anyway... the whole thing ended about 2 am, and I frankly wanted to keep on the good times but everybody felt tired at that point and we decided to go home.

I wanna be a doctor...

2005-06-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

It's decided... the best and more convenient profession in the world is medicine.

This last weekend I had some problems with my left eye... you know constant scratching, redness taking over the whiteness, and those kinda things. So my mom freaked out and told me that I should go and see a doctor just to make sure "You don't play with your health young man!".

So I did... and the doctor charges me 500 pesos (like 45 dlls) just to tell there was nothing wrong with me!!! The whole thing took less than five minutes... and WHAM!!! Thank You for coming! Here is your bill!

That's not right...

At least I know for sure I have healthy eyes... ¬_¬

PD: am going to a party tonight... let's hope I have fun ^-^

I guess...

2005-06-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

one will never know when good times are coming. You can plan things, you can only wish for things to be great and worthy or remembering for quite a while... but usually things just are. And it's not about how much planning you make, not about how much money you have invest in a certain ocation... it's not even about the company. No. I have discovered that it's our choice and happiness does not depends of none but us. But me.

Friday night I invited some friends to sleep over... well, they took it quite literally... they did come to my house to sleep ¬_¬ We didn't do any of the thing I had planned for the evening... we... slept. (this is an example of what I was saying)

Saturday I had a wonderful day. One of those days that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life, and I only needed rain and giving into the moment.

Anyway...

I picked up Mariel around 6:30 and we were supposed to go to Chapultepec to hear some of the concerts, maybe drinking some coffee and meeting some friends later that night. But as soon as we arrive to Chapultepec the firs torment of this rain season decided to fall.

We... were... so... soaked!!!! And so freaking cold! But it was really great. We meet Omi and her girl Claudia, the we say Alberto and her cousing Alejandra... and as we were running trying to find a shelter we met Jose Carlos... and then... (guess what?) I ran across a couple of friends form my school, Mariana and Alejandra (and their gang)... so we ended all squeezed under the same roof just shivering, laughing and talking.

Yep... those are good times. No planning... just happening.

After that we went to Pancho's house to have some hot tea and just warm ourselves up. Nice tea and good laughs.

I guess that life is always willing to give me a precious memory... I just have to learn to receive them... to open my mind to the possibilities of the moment and just... be. Whatever I need to be at the moment... truly experience it.

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PD: Mariel was wearing white...^-^ So yep... having a super sexy girlfriend, dressed with a sexy withe top is just GRRRRRRREAT when it's raining.

Somehow I knew it...

2005-06-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

I came upon this quiz in Julio's Blog.

It was fun taking it... and well this is the outcome for me.

Perhaps the most alienated of all the clans, Clan
Malkavian's mention makes the blood of most
vampires run just a little colder. Some say the
clan to be the keepers of secrets older and
more terrible than any but they could imagine.
This is reinforced by their thorough command of
the powers of perception. They can see things
few others can, from the physically unseen to
the twisted depths of the subconcious mind
right up to the wrinkles in fate that might be
more than just chance. But obscuring, or some
might say causing, all of this is the madness
that runs in their cold veins, twisting the
minds of all the clan's members to frayed
wrecks of sanity. Or perhaps just thrusting
them, thrashing and screaming, into a whole new
level of horrible awareness.

Which Vampire: The Masquerade clan do you belong in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Spring...

2005-06-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

What else can I say?

Spring time... everything is sweet, everything flourishes. Is a time to smile and be happy, and it’s also a time to write bullshit in ours blogs.

I HATE SPRING!

This few months are awful. Hot, dry and horny months in which the urge for rain, clouds are sex are so huge that makes you wanna explode… especially when you don’t have rain, clouds nor sex ¬_¬

Good things though. I manage to write yet another short story. It’s like a second version of a previous one written in a couple of months ago. I tried to make it much more enjoyable this time, shorter, darker and stronger. I haven’t selected the chosen one to be the first person to read it. I hate that part: when people actually read your stuff.

But let me get back to the whole “hating spring” issue. “Why so suddenly?” You must wonder. What happened to me today is that everywhere I looked I saw pretty girls in pretty spring/summer clothing, with pretty suntans… and ARGH!

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US GIRLS!!! WHY MUST YOU TEMPT US!!!

Why must you smell and look so nice? … sniff sniff.
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PD: tell me already!!! (you know who! =P)

What to do?

2005-06-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

What to do with all the poverty in the world?

We all know that poverty is part of a cycle almost imposible to break, and the number of poor people is growing by the minute. But first of all let me leave this clear: when I say "poor" I refer to people that acctually die of hunger, people that do not have an active part in society nor in the economical wheel. They just exist to suffer. So.

So what's their reason to exist? Do they have one? Are they here to remind us of how lucky we are?

When I was in Quiego I had the chance to see poverty, but not "extreme poverty". I mean this people still have food (corn and beans, but food nonetheless), they had the chance to put clothes on and the opportunity to have a decent life (full of limitations but also full of pride).

What can we do for them? Is there something to be done for those millions of people out there that die of hunger was I write this?

Bargh!.... I dunno.

Just the other day my brother and I were joking about the option of killing them all... we just nuke the poor fellows and end their misery.

*HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT INHUMAN BASTARD!*

Yes, yes... maybe that's what you are thinking. And guess what? You are probably right, but hang on... Is that such a bad idea?

These people know nothing but suffering... they live an average of 20 years of which most of them are fill with hunger, thrist, disease and pain.

Ending their misery is such a bad idea? Is it really such a bad idea?

What do you think?

Now I understand

2005-06-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

... what Neil Gaiman once said about the hard part of being a writer: not being able to put in written words what you think. The hard part is not getting ideas, or at least not for me. I get an average of three or four neat ideas for a poem, a short story or a post per day... noup... the hard part is when you actually sit down to write them and all those images and feelings inside of you became shit once you write them.

Its funny, but it happens.

It's like when you desperately want to talk to someone, and you have all figure it out, all this beautiful words that are meant to shine thru your heart... but once you said it, you sound something like this: "BERF!!! BARF!!! POOK POOK!!! ME LIKES YOU!!!"

Am in a shitty spot right now. There is a cool, interesting writing project that has being revolving around my head for a while now. A set of short stories that together may do something like a novel 'coz they all have the same topic and the setting, but I can't seem to pass from page two of the first short story.

Curses.

In other news, I just finished reading “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” and it rocked. I loved the book and most of the ideas expressed.

I made cookies today ^-^

And am starting to miss a hell lot of people.

Life is so

2005-06-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

WEIRD...

It keeps throwing me curve balls.

Bargh... I have so many things to say, to write... but ironically this blog is somehow way too popular and unsafe for me write them down.

I miss...
I want...
I need...

But here I stand, trying to live the best way I can... trying to cut the bullshit, and all the missing, the wanting and the needing are suddenly forbidden.

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I am gonna try to write a somehow coded post later.

Is there another way??? (3)

2005-06-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

I've being making myself this question over and over again since one of my mates ask the same thing when we were in Quiego.

I came back to GDL with a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth. I've found that humans are good by nature, and it's by this so called "civilization" that we have lost that primal innocence, our true nature. A town that for 200 years have stayed almost untouched by other cultures, by other ideas... untouched by corruption.

But in the other hand I'va seen hunger, sickness, poverty and hipocresy right into their eyes.

Did you know that in this town, where they have barely enough water to survive and a few lightballs per house... in this same town where they lack of phone lines, gas and a good clinic they have a CCA (Centro Comunitario de Aprendizaje) that is part of the e-mexico project. They have freaking internet in the town (6 computers sharin one connection)!!! But that is not it! They told me that one of the indicators of poverty in the world is the presence of internet... so when an international ONG like the ONU or the UNESCO does a quick search in Mexico and they see that all these forgotten towns have internet thay say "hmmm... they are not poor"!

So... just like that!!!! KABLAM!!!!! Mexico is not as poor as it used to be last year. Things are going great mister FOX!!!! Thank you!!! This new government is changing this for good. Let's vote for them!

This poeple eat what they cultivate... they have a diet based on "maiz y frijol". When they got sick they are forced to stay in bed until they die or outbest the sickness, and their only change of growth in their lives is to abandon their homes.

Is there another way?

Does things have to be like this?

Is there another way??? (2)

2005-06-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

Day 3:
An early morning again. Up and ready by 5:30, but this time it seemed somehow easier. A good work at the hortalizas. Followed by my very first class as a teacher!!! I taught "Oratory", and I gotta say that I rocked! ^-^

Later I had a great time with my Quiego family, I spent a couple of hours sharing with them and "desgranando el elote". While I was helping them, Filomeno's sister Angelica, said that it would be nice if I stayed to live with them forever. I got too freaking nervous.

I discovered an "Omnlife Center" there.... damn Vergara!!!

Day 4:
Today I had the 5:30 walk alone 'coz Salim spent the night in the "Internado", so I walked alone. It's really REALLY awesome to walk alone, under the moonlight with the sole sound of yours steps... so peaceful. Besides I have never seen so many stars in my entire life!

When I arrived to my morning work I said goodbye to the "hortalizas" and started working in the green house (or what by the end of the week we manage to make it look like one) ´coz they needed men to do the hard work.

My back suffered the consecuences...

Day 5:
Same all... same all, but with the difference that I ate rabbit for the first time in my life!!! It tastes like chicken only with less meat.

Sniff sniff... I got a tummy ache =(

Day 6:
The sixth day was one of the hardest. With my tummy hurting, my back also in pain and the weight of almost an entire week of hardwork on my back I felt a little down.

I missed Mariel a lot... but Cuco and Ana Lore managed to make me feel better.

Day 7:
Saturday... so no classes today (I've giving Oratory and Reading classes the whole week).
We siezed the opportunity and spent the entire day working at the green house. By this day I was so used to the hard work that the 5:30 am walk was a piece of cake (in fact we completed it in only 17 mins v.s the half an hour that took us the first day).

By the end of the day what seemed to be a wasteland was now more in the real of a green house. That, my friends, feels good.

Day 8: Tequio Day
In these kinda comunities the sense of belonging is really strong, so whenever someone needs to get something done, and it can't be done alone, the whole community helps in an activity that is called "Tequio" in which everyone works and contributes with materials, water and food.

Another day of hard work, but I enjoyed that sense of community... we should be like this everywhere.

Day 9: Goodbye
The last day in Quiego. The guys from the school took us to the river to spent the day. A great experience I gotta say, but a sad one as the day came to an end and we all had to say goodbye.

I spent two whole weeks in Oaxaca... 14 days of wich 2 were spent in the road, 9 in Quiego and three more in Oaxaca the capital (we visited Monte Alba, El Arbol del Tule and Mitla).

Is there another way???

2005-06-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

I just came back home from my social service in Santa María de Quiegolani in Oaxaca (this webpage was developed as one of the projects of this service).

Something really changed inside of me during those couple of weeks... i mean, you just can't pass through this kinda experiences untouched. You can't ignore poverty once you taste it, you feel it.... you live it.

Anyway... here goes a short chronic of my life in Quiego:

Day one:
We arrived at Quiego around 5 pm after 25 hours of traveling... so we were all so very tired and just wanting to eat and sleep; however we needed to find a family that would take us in (each of us stayed in one different house)

At first I was really nervous 'coz of the way we were supposed to be assigned to the families. We were all stading in a line and several kids from the highschool would pick us, but I was lucky and got a family real fast.

I stayed with Filomeno. His house was made of "adobe", had no running water, no bathroom, had only one room and the kitchen, and they were a total of 6 family members. I would have never thought that I could grow to love such a place in such a short period of time. By the end of the project I left there leaving behind not just a house... but something that felt more like a home.

My Quiego family gave me everything they had... in fact they insisted to sleep in the kitchen floor so I could share the bedroom with Filomeno more comfortably. I wanted to share the "beds" (more like a wooden table) with the whole family, but they wouldn't let me. Now that's hospitalarity.

Day two:
I was up by 5:30 am. Damn.

I was part of a project called "hortalizas" that basically consisted of working two hours straight in order to prepare the beds where we would later plant stuff (that's right stuff... I wasn't sure of what we were plating). It was very tired not only 'coz of the two hours of work, but also 'coz in order to arrive to the working place we had to walk/climb during half an hour... and believe guys, doing that at 5:30 am can be really tiresome.

The rest of the day we spent it in a classic "Color's War" (one of those events in which the whole school is divided in two colors and then face each other in several competitions). I was green and I managed to gain a reputation as "El Griton" and that's how people continued calling me for the rest of the week heheheheh. I gotta say it's real nice to have a whole town knowing you that fast. I gave then a good impresion very fast and since day twoI was making new friends ^-^

We loose in the end... the green team I mean, but I had a great time anyway, and by the end of the day the kids from the school organized a party for us.

... to be continued

My mistake...

2005-05-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

I now know for sure that I won't be eaten by a jaguar.... there are no jaguars where am going.

Instead of that I'll be sleeping in the tummy of one of these fellows...

He doesn't look that bad... right?

... right? =(

My last supper...

2005-05-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

A really good last day.

Tomorrow I'll be going to Oaxaca for two weeks to be part of the "social service program" in my school. Two whole weeks in the unknown jungle... eating, sleepling and living in a totally different enviroment. So yes: am a little nervous. So?

So today I decided to meet a couple (like 10 hehehehe) of friends to say "goodbye". The day started early with a great breakfast with my dearest friend Pancho at "Bisquets". A wonderful tiny place in chapultepec. As always I had a blast with pancho, just talking an sharing. An besides he gave a couple of his famous "CD's" (these great personalized compilations that he makes... he is an expert I must say).

Anyway... good and delcious times there.

Later on I had a school meeting with the sole purpose of "informing the students about the next step in the exchange programs"... Boooooooooooooooo-oooo-ring. I managed to stay focus for 20 minutes and then I stormed out of the damned place. I'll get un touch with them later.

Then I went to pick up Mariel to meet a bunch of friends at this great jap-restaurant called USAGI. Again great company, great food and great conversations. I'm going to miss you guys.

Sigh.

After that Hector, Wend, Mariel and I hanged out at my house to watch Amelie (great movie), and i seized the opportunity to pack everything that i'll need for this couple of weeks.

Then the "farewell" with Mariel. Sigh.

You guys know how shitty it feels when you have to say "goodbye" to someone you love.

Maybe I'll post something new tomorrow... maybe I wont. In case I don't.... take care guys and wish me luck.

...

I hate farewells....

The musical baton...

2005-05-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

My brother passed this to me, and he got it from his friend Sergio .

.... O.o Now that I think about it, this things is spreading like AIDS or any other VD, but I think that unlike AIDS or VD we get this curse out of fear. The fear of getting eaten by a ragging hippo or being gand-banged by a small African country (you know... your typical internet curse). Enough with the rants though. I give you the musical baton:

Total volume of music on my computer
I don't own a computer, but I have contributed with the LEGAL 8 GB of music pouporri that my bro has in his computer.

The last CD I bought
The last CD I bought was "Black Market Music" by Placebo, and before that I bouth the "Beekeeper" by Tori Amos, and before that I bought "Sleeping with Ghosts" (placebo again) and before those I bought " ( ) " by Sigur Ross along side with Bjork's "Medulla"... and so on.

Song playing right now
I am not listening to music right now, but the last song I heard was "Like a Friend" by Pulp

Damn... this is hard a question. I love so many songs, but if I have to list a top five "all time favorites" my head would explode... so I'll list a top five of the songs that am listening a lot lately:

1." Song to the Siren" by This Mortal Coild
2. "Born to Cry" by PULP (arrrrgh... or maybe "Like a Friend")
3. "If you are feelins sinister" by Belle and Sebastian.
4. "Without you am nothing" by Placebo.
5. "Take me with you" by Dreamfield.

Five people to whom I'm passing the baton:
I don't have people to pass it to... hehehehe... all my "blog" friends already had it. So I wont pass it to anyone.

The chain is broken!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncertainty...

2005-05-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well.... where to begin.

The weekend pretty much sucked because Mariel was very sick and she couldn't leave the house nor see me (she didn't want to pass it over to me), so I spent most of the time just doing nothing.

Friday I went out with my friends and I had quite a good time though. Although I gotta say that it's almost strange how things work out for me in this "group of friends". I was sitting right in the middle of the table, and to my left I had a bunch of guys talking about women, dating, drinking and whatnot, and to my right I had a totally different environment, where they were discussing more "transcendental" topics. I felt, for a minute, trapped in-between two worlds. I am not complaining, in fact I find it very amusing, but I think it's very funny to have such a heterogeneous group of friends. From a friend that is a "seminarista" (he's gonna be a priest), passing through the ragging crazy girl to the indecent homosexual.

Saturday was one of the most boring days of my life. I couldn’t even spent the day reading ‘coz it’s impossible for me to read “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” of Milan Kundera without stopping every two pages or so to think about what I just read (damn book, it’s so freaking cool that if I read it at night I can’t go to bed because of the thoughts that it brings forward).

And finally Sunday. I did have the chance to see Mariel in the afternoon, but we couldn’t kiss!!! We could barely sit next to each other!!! IT’S SO FREAKING HARD not to be able to kiss your girl when you have a few inches away. Anyway, it was a cool day after all, and the “whole not kissing” it’s really cool once you get used to it ‘coz it makes explore new things, and remember old feelings. Like when we just met and I wanted so hard to kiss her but couldn’t… well, it was almost the same. Almost.

Monday… well I had a bunch of things to do. But what is really worth telling is the fact that the guy that was supposed to be in charge of my group of my “Servicio Social” (by the way, I’ll be going to Oaxaca for two weeks) is really sick and nobody have heard anything from him!!! So right now I really don’t know what am going to do, or better said, what’s going to happen to me.

So keep your finger crossed guys and girls!!!

….

PD: In case you are reading this “Siren Girl”: TELL ME ALREADY!

Such a good day...

2005-05-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

... was yesterday.

You know? One of those days ^-^

It was not that good in general... in fact it had a couple of shitty elements... such as Mariel failing Math and my mom exploiting me at her work, but it ended in such an excelent way that I really don't have the right to complain.

In fact as the day crept on I was ploting an "angry post" about how awful my mom acts towards me when I help her at work, and about how unfair is life when your girls suddenly starts crying over the phone 'coz she failed. A couple of things that really got me both angry and sad.

I talk to Mariel and agreed to meet in at her place just to hang (she didn't really wanted to go out 'coz she felt like she didn't deserved it) and so I prepared a "don't worry is just Math, so feel better" combo!!! That included:
* One galon of chocochip vanilla icecream
* A couple of "pulseritas"
* A necklace and a couple of earrings that my mom bought for her
* An Oreo Icream

After I bought these (the icecreamd 'coz the rest I already had) and got into the car I was recieved by a whole spot on Tori Amos (which is one of the rarest things ever), followed by her song "Past the Mission" and later by "The First in the Gang to die" by Morrisay and finally a great song by PJ Harvey.

That guys... was a sign of "good times are here" It's just great to be able to hear such nice music on the radio. Blessed "Factor 91.5".

When I got to Mariel's house she was waiting for me outside her house (that was a sign of real sadness) so I got out of the car and just hug her for a while. The rest of the day was dominated by icecream, hugs, kissu sessions and videogames.

Such a good day... ^-^

....

PD: Mariel already talk to her dad and things are fine. She agreed to pay for her own summer, so she will get a job. Well, I guess the "grown up summers" finally caught up with her, but she is happy. She expected much worse.

Los pensamientos que traicionan

2005-05-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

Me detengo a pensar en el alcance que tienen nuestras acciones, en el alcance de nuestras sonrisas. ¿Cómo puede afectar una sonrisa en la vida de una persona? Nuestra sonrisa. Ese pequeño momento decisivo en el que nos debatimos entre ser indiferentes o realmente conectar con alguien, aunque sea por un momento.

Pienso en las personas cuya existencia y su simple energía dan esperanza a este mundo, en su manera de sonreír, en su manera de existir. En el alcance que han tenido estas personas en mi vida. En las sonrisas que han evocado en mi.

Sueño con el día en que las máscaras caigan y las sonrisas vengan de dentro. El día donde los colores de la realidad se confundan con los colores de la fantasía y del arte. Sueño mientras las sombras de la realidad se ciernen sobre mí y cada vez te siento más lejos, más delicada.

Pero sobre todo sueño con tu sonrisa.

Trato de sonreir a tu manera. Libre. Ser en los demás lo que tu has sido en mi. Una fuerza que levanta, que revive, un poder aún más misterioso que el amor. Una sonrisa puede hacer la diferencia en la vida de una persona. Una sonrisa en un momento adecuado puede inyectar lo que necesitas para seguir adelante. Una sonrisa dadora, verdadera y profunda. Sin velos. Sonrío como tú me has enseñado, dejando atrás todo odio, y dejando la tristeza para los momentos de llanto.

Te dedico algo más que mis sueños, que mis pensamientos. Te dedico mi sonrisa que esta ahí gracias a tí.

//end of rants

Just plain tired...

2005-05-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Damn.... when things get too heavy and tiresome I don't even have what it takes to write a decent post º.º

Stupid finals. I have barely see my friends and Mariel.

Sniff sniff...

*hug*

I was going...

2005-05-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

... Through my old poems and writings. Things that I have kept with me since my third semester in high school (that was about the time when I decided to start writing).

Man... some of this things are harsh and painful. Things that I wrote in a dark period of my life and while I read them I can't stop myself from remembering... and all those feelings haunt me again. In the other hand I have also great things, happy things that help me remember about the first time that I felt in love.

Check this out:

"Dreams get caught in the night, they are afraid of the light. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to wake, maybe it is possible to never open my eyes and die in that dream. I remember that morning when I opened my eyes and cry, I heard the birds, I felt the sun and I long for the night, for the dream; because in that dream I dreamt a kiss from you, because in that dream I dreamt I touch from you, because in that dream I heard you say I Love you."

This one came upon me the first time I ever fetl heartache...

And this one:

have you ever fell a hole in your chest,
have you ever see a star in her eyes,
have you ever need to just look at her smile,
have you ever fell for someone?

It hurts in my heart when she is not around
It hurts even more when she is in my arms
Who would have tell, no one could imagine
That this lonely soul could have ever fall

I wrote it the first time I felt in love... a now nameless girls that manage to make understand that all those "someone sisters" out there were girls... that smell nice and kiss smoothly. For that I am thankful nameless girl.

So many things…

It’s great to be able to read all these things… they are like a time machine. They have to ability to take you back and make you feel it all over again.

Never… never underestimate the power of writing.

Mentiría talvez...

2005-05-01T20:32:00.000-07:00

Si te dijera que te amaré
Mientras el sol brille

Y el valiente peleé
Mentiría tal vez…

Si te dijera que te amaré
Mientras la marea arrulle
Y las aves vuelen
Mientras haya esperanza
Y hasta el fin de los tiempos
Mentiría tal vez…

Si te dijera que te amaré
Mientras el viento sople
Y las estrellas destellen
Mentiría también…

Si mañana el sol dejara de brillar,

El valiente de pelear,
La marea de arrullar y
Los arroyos de correr,
Si la esperanza muriera y
se llevara a luna,
y el fin de los tiempos impida
un nuevo amanecer
te amaré

Pues te amo sin límite de tiempo,
Te amaré mientras tu nombre evoque una sonrisa,
Y mi corazón tiemble por tus caricias,
Te amaré no por siempre,
Pues el tiempo suele dar excusas,
Te amaré mientras mi corazón me lo permita
Y en mi existan rastros tuyos
Te amaré.

...

If you guys have the chance check this post on my bro's blog... it's worth reading, so bear with his rants ^-^

Where am I?

2005-04-28T07:46:00.000-07:00

Suddenly you woke up in your room, the light's slowly crawling in your body. Warming up your whole body, 'till it reaches your eyelids and you have no choice but to open your eyes... and right then, in that waking moment, you ask yourself "where am I"?

This question goes deeper than just my location. It's not the kinda question you ask yourself after drinking too much or getting high... it's not as in surprise. No. Where am I in my life? And more important, am I where I want to be right now?

I am full fledged man now. My 21st birthday is closing in and I still feel like a child. I have all this thoughts, fears, dreams, plans... but nothing more. Where am I? I am living my 20th year of life, studying in one of the best colleges in the world, with the best bunch of friends and relatives that a man (or a child) could ask... yes... but I don't feel like I deserve them.

Where is my significant other? Is she thinking about me? Is she also feeling this kinda nonsense? Or is she thinking about her morning cereal?

Where are my friends? Are they thinking big? Are they O.k? Are the happy? Are they thinking about me? Or they are also caught in theirs own lives, oblivious of the rest of the world.

Is here where I want to be? Right here in this bed? In this body? In this life with these problems and these friends? Am I going in the right direction?

Or will I wake up, at the age of 40, scared and tired like today and I will ask myself the same question. Over and over again.

Where am I?

I miss...

2005-04-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

"I miss your kisses..."

WHAT DOES THIS FREAKING SENTENCE MEANS!!!!

It means that you have already kiss someone and you MISS the kisses? RIGHT?

Weird freaking dreams...

2005-04-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

I had one of those dreams... weird freaking dreams in which nothing makes sense once you think about it, but while dreaming, it all fits with such a perfect logic that is scary.

I was attacked by giant numbers, swept away by "Microsoft Excel" functions... sigh...

I'm glad that the world is not like I dream about it or else it would be on of the nasties places to live...

Bah...

Short post... am acctually happy and feeling better ^-^.

I am...

2005-04-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

The guy that will care, even if you don't want me to.
The guy that will always make you laugh when you need it.
The guy that will make you laugh even if you don't need it... you know, just for the sake of it.
The guy that will always try too hard to make things right.
The guy that will rarely cry... dunno why.
The guy that will get upset pretty fast when he sees something unfair.
The guy that will still fight useless fights just because they're the right thing to do.
The guy that will NEVER sleep with your mom.
The guy that will always be unbelievable handsome and sexy (rawwwwrrr).
The guy that still believes in love, freedom, friendship and kindness.
The guy that won’t be alarmed if a man kisses him but will be pretty damn confused if he wakes up naked in a bed with a black Dutch.

The guy that will….

(fill in the blank people… hehehehe… right now am feeling a hell bunch of things. My family life is not going too well, am recently unemployed and I haven’t heard a word from Canada… so I need to hear something from you… please)

Bad... very bad times

2005-04-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

A few minutes ago I receive a phone call from my boss... or should I say ex-boss?

Damn... I am officially unemployed from now on. I really don't know what will I do? I was counting on that money.

I guess I will have to find a job this summer... something to work on june and july.

Stupid bad times...

The Padilla Gene...

2005-04-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

This whole idea about the “Padilla Gene” has being revolving around my head for a few days now. Last week I had I really cool chat with Tomas, basically about “mujeres y traiciones” and random stories that were both worth living and telling.

I have quite a good “repertoire” of stories that goes from the unbelievable romantic to the astonishingly porn-flick kinda story. And in the middle of one of my stories Tomas suddenly said that it was all due the “Padilla Gene”. And yes, now that I think about it my brother has quite a messed up repertoire of his own.

Why is that? Why a couple of two normal guys as us went through all this?

We’re nice boys. Not the classic Don Juan, bad boy kinda guy. No, we are guys that most of the times tend to be nice towards women. Real gentlemen. We are the boys that girls see as “potential friends” or “cute huggable bears” or most commonly known as “marriage material” ¬-¬… You know what I’m saying?

Then… why? Are lucky enough to be in the right place, at the right time with the right people so that life can throw us all these different kinds of experiences? Or is there something else? Some kind of vibe? The Padilla Gene perhaps…?

Also a few days back I was having a good talk with Erik (aka Alfa), and this whole “Padila Gene” popped out in the chat again; however this time not in the same “lucky bastards full of cool stories to tell” kinda thing, but in the “man, you always have the bad luck of attracting messed up people, full of troubles and usually, after a while, you are either too deep inside someone else’s crap or you have to put up with their endless victim stories”.

Hmmmm... again… true. We do tend to attract messed up people that look comfort and help, and most of the time we care enough to listen to them and make their problems (even a little bit) ours. The dark side of the “Padilla Gene”???

This is a topic that can go on forever… hehehe… lots of thing to say but I haven’t got the time. Maybe later.

Am off…